Below are the first two entries in a weekly series that found me continuously disappointed and shocked with how my childhood heroes turned out. Enjoy, and stay tuned for more in the future.

(Also, for what it’s worth, this was written before someone named Luigi famously killed a guy!)

Luigi: The Interview

I haven’t slept in three days. I’m on my way to meet Luigi, the idol of my childhood. Sure, Mario was the flagship character and probably the one person most associated with gaming, but for me, and I suspect many younger brothers of the world, our bond was formed with Luigi. Where most people looked at us and saw a palette swap, Luigi was there to prove that younger siblings are more than just uninspired sequels. He was the one we looked up to. He was the one we wanted to be. He was the one I’ve been up all night sick about meeting.

I raced across town to meet the man that had given me confidence in my youth, arriving 15 minutes early to the Bob Evans Luigi had asked to meet at.

To my surprise, there was Luigi already seated in a booth. My childhood hero had his face laid on the table, and he was sobbing. There was a stack of extra napkins on the table that’d been left by the waitress the last time she checked on him.

My initial reaction was that Luigi perhaps had received some bad news that day, or possibly wasn’t feeling well, and had decided to fulfill his media obligations anyway, displaying the professionalism I’d long hoped my hero would have.

Nothing could be further from the truth, however, as I quickly learned Luigi is just a huge mess, man. Really struggling.

I did my best.

Mark: Hey Luigi, thank you so much for meeting me. I’m really thrilled to get to speak with you today.

Luigi: I’m-a so scared, I think I am-a going to die.

Mark: Oh no, is everything okay?

Luigi: Eh, this is how I generally-a feel. So yes and-a no.

Mark: I see. Well just the same, thank you for meeting me.

Luigi: No problem. Let’s-a try to eat and maybe we’ll feel better.

Just then a car drove by the diner and honked its horn, prompting Luigi to scream “I’m-a gonna die!”

After awkwardly convincing the other patrons it was a bizarre joke, I attempted to resume the interview.

Mark: Does that happen a lot?

Luigi: Does what happen a lot?

Mark: Do you get scared and scream “I’m gonna die,” when you hear a car horn, even while you’re indoors?

Luigi: Oh, yeah. That happens a lot.

Mark: What do you think is going to make you die?

Luigi: Oh, it’s a general sense of dread that I feel. I don’t have a hyper specific scenario in mind. It’s just a feeling, like being hungry, or falling in love. I just-a feel like I’m-a gonna die all the time. Mamma mia! Oh no!

Mark: This surprises me, and I’m sure it would surprise a lot of your fans. We’ve all seen you do some pretty brave things. You’ve been fighting Smash for years, you participated in all kinds of sports.

Luigi: That sounds scary!

Mark: No, listen, I’ve seen you do these things.

Luigi: Mamma mia!

Mark: Luigi, I am telling you, I can think of a dozen things I’ve seen you do that are scarier than a car horn. Do you understand why this would be confusing for me?

Luigi: I understand. Really, I do. And I think the answer is simple. When Mario is around, I feel less scared of everything. He is my big brother, my best friend, and the only one that makes this big cold world any less scary. I know that we’re practically the same person on a lot of levels, but he’s so much more brave than me. Than anybody. I love Mario. He makes it-a okay.

Mark: You say this, but I’ve seen some pretty gnarly footage of Mario hitting you with shells and stuff.

Luigi: He just-a do that to make me-a tougher. Like a good brother. He explained this to me.

Mark: I suppose that makes a bit of sense. Thanks for sharing that with me Luigi, I think people will really enjoy reading what you said about your brother.

Luigi: Sure. Say, can I ask-a you something?

Mark: Sure, Luigi. Anything.

Luigi: Do you think I’m-a gonna die today?

Mark: What? No! Why would you think that?

Luigi: Just-a something in my bones, I guess.

Mark: That says you’re gonna die today?

Luigi: That’s right.

Mark: And it feels pretty serious?

Luigi: Oh yeah, big time.

Mark: How did you feel yesterday? And the day before that?

Luigi: The same. Exact same. Every day, always the same-a.

Mark: And?

Luigi: I did not die.

Mark: Do you see what I’m getting at?

Just then the waitress approached our table, dropping off some more napkins and checking to see if we were ready to order. I was. I’d hoped Luigi was, too. He had been looking at the menu as we chatted, but as soon as the server introduced herself, Luigi was under the table, sobbing, and calling me a liar. I hopped down there to try and comfort him.

Luigi: You said I wasn’t going to die!

Mark: You didn’t die! That woman just wanted to take your order!

Luigi: Wah! Leave me alone down here!

Mark: Sure thing, Luigi. I can give you a minute. I’m gonna be up above the table if you want to join me, okay?

Luigi: Okay.

Occasionally Luigi would try to conquer his crying, the noises coming from beneath the table shifting from open mouth wails to forced breathing through gritted teeth. The more he tried to calm down, the more upset he got. He started making those short, stabby breaths that kids do when they’re crying. One guy walked up to my table and asked if that was Luigi I was talking to down there. I lied and said it was my son currently crying under the table and begging to go home. It was the quickest excuse I could think of. The guy looked at me like he didn’t believe me. He had probably seen Luigi’s mustache.

What was I supposed to do? Luigi made this big stink about meeting me at this diner, because he didn’t want anyone to know where he lives “no matter what happens.” We hadn’t even gotten our drinks yet and he was pleading with me to take him home.

I tell him I just have to use the restroom and that I will take him home after that. It’s a lie. Instead, I scramble home to write up what I believe to be the interview of a lifetime. At this point, I’ve been scared for weeks that I would meet Luigi and not be able to turn it into a decent article, tossing and turning at night because of my doubts.

The night I left Luigi under the table at Bob Evans, crying and frantically checking his pulse, I slept better than I had in months.

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Crash Bandicoot: The Interview

I don’t know what I expected Crash Bandicoot to be like in real life, but it wasn’t this. To start, he’s 40 minutes late to meet me at the diner he chose. That part’s not so weird. One time Ms. Pac-Man left me waiting in a hotel lobby for three hours while she decided what bow to put in her hair. No, what’s strange is when the star of over 20 Crash Bandicoot games blames car trouble for his tardiness, even though I watched him spin his way into the parking lot like the Tasmanian Devil. He keeps stepping outside for cigarettes the entire time we’re together. He stops the waitress four different times to ask her if he can get an apple, even though she’s told him they have none. He’s just a little off.

Still, although he was grumpier than I would’ve liked, and the conversation ultimately took an unfortunate turn, it still was truly a remarkable experience, sitting and chatting with an icon of my childhood.

In between cigarettes, that is.

(Note: Excerpts of the following interview have been edited for clarity, and I took out a lot of the apple stuff.)

Crash Bandicoot (returning from outside): Hey, sorry about that. This would be so much easier for the both of us if we could still smoke in diners, you know?

Mark: Yeah, you’re right. It’s no problem. I’m glad you’re here. Thanks for doing this.

Crash Bandicoot: No problem. Let me see one of those menus, okay? You’re paying, right? You said you’d cover?

Mark: I don’t think we said, but sure. I can grab lunch.

Crash Bandicoot: Breakfast. It’s breakfast for me. I just woke up.

Mark: It’s 3:00 PM.

Crash Bandicoot: Yeah, but I’m a bandicoot.

Mark: Oh, sure. That’s right.

Crash Bandicoot: If I wasn’t famous, I’d be sleeping in a nest with my boys all day.

Mark: Aww.

Crash Bandicoot: But also without Hollywood doctors I would’ve died like 20 years ago.

Mark: Damn!

Crash Bandicoot: Yeah, it’s crazy. A lot of people criticized me and said I “went Hollywood” when I moved out here, but Bandicoots generally only live two to four years on their own, so you know. On the plus side, that backlash all sort of died down as everyone back home, uh, died down. Hey you think they’d bring me an apple if I asked? Where’s the lady?

Mark: They might.

Crash: Apple! Someone! An apple!

Mark: Hey, sit down, Crash.

Crash Bandicoot: You think I’m being rude, huh? You just don’t know what it’s like for a big ass bandicoot. It’s really fucking hard, man. You think I like wearing jean shorts? I hate these things. I just need to make myself look like a little bit of a dork so no one’s scared of me. My first game was almost rated M for that reason, you know? On account of children being scared of actual bandicoots. Which is insane, by the way. There’s no reason for a child to be afraid of bandicoots, unless that child smells like earthworms. Then they’re in trouble. I’ll give you that.

The interview carried on in bursts, in between Crash’s frequent visits to the bathroom and trips outside to smoke another Marlboro. A lot of the exchanges were difficult to transcribe, bordering on impossible, due to the erratic nature of Crash. He would shout at people who recognized him, insisting he wasn’t Crash Bandicoot. For some reason, everything made him ornery. Every interaction, every topic.

I asked him if he followed sports and he yelled that they were all rigged. I asked him if he’d been enjoying the weather, he slammed his fists on the table and said it was all rigged. Try as I might, I couldn’t help the situation.

I lost my patience once he wandered into the diner’s kitchen and demanded the staff tell him how “everything works back here.”

Mark: I wish you wouldn’t keep fucking around like that.

Crash Bandicoot (returning to his seat): Yeah, and I wish they still made Crash Bandicoot games!

Mark: Didn’t Crash Bandicoot 4 come out a few years ago?

Crash Bandicoot: Oh yeah. I forgot about that. Cool!

Mark: So what are you so upset about? What is it that has you so agitated?

Crash Bandicoot: Do you mean, like, politically?

Mark: Not necessarily. Could be jungle shit or whatever. Relationships. Whatever’s bothering you.

Crash Bandicoot: I feel like you’re trying to take this down a political path, and I really don’t know if that’s the best thing to do here.

Mark: No, I don’t want this to get political at all. Really.

Crash Bandicoot: Look, I’m supporting Ron DeSantis1. I know it’ll surprise some of my fans, but I just think he’s the guy for the moment.

Mark: This is not at all what I wanted to talk about, Crash.

Crash Bandicoot: The woke mind virus was the real pandemic.

Mark: Oh geez. Okay Crash, is this why you called me? To get some talking points out? I used to love playing your games, man. What happened to you?

Crash Bandicoot: I started watching some really good things on my phone. Some really, really powerful things.

Mark: I don’t know what to say. Can we change gears here? Hey, was it fun making that Crash Team Racing game? Or was it pretty intense?

Crash Bandicoot: I’m starting a streaming service with Kevin Sorbo and James Woods. We’re working on a sketch comedy show where they dress up like girls and I poop in their safe space. Most of the sketches are some variation on that. It’s called America+. And the sketch comedy show is called Triggered, but I wanted to call it Crashing the Party.

Mark: I don’t think that sounds very good, man.

Crash Bandicoot: Hey, that’s fine. We knew this would offend a lot of people.

Mark: No, I’m not offended. It just sounds really bad.

Crash Bandicoot: Oh, I gotcha. Hey, I’m gonna go have another cigarette.

And with that, Crash spun away, the same as he arrived. I’d technically received answers to most of my questions, but the interview hardly felt like a success. It’s true what they say: never meet your heroes.

And if you must, do your best not to get stuck with the bill after they heavily damage a public bathroom.

However, please note this is by no means what I feel are the absolute best games or anything like that. Playing every demo available would keep me busy until the next Steam Fest. In fact, I could name a half dozen games I still am itching to play that I just didn’t get to. This is merely meant as a potential guide should you want to dive in, as well as me trying to shine a light on stuff I liked and hope doesn’t get lost in the never-ending tidal wave of video game releases. Enjoy!

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TypInc.

After being one of the hits of Next Fest at this time last year, Balatro’s influence is seen all over Steam these days. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a game being so good that it becomes a whole genre (see Grand Theft Auto III, Vampire Survivors, Slay the Spire), but I didn’t dive into many of the ones that seemed overly obvious. This one, however, set on a word processor, sure as shit did it for me. Maybe it’s because I’m a sicko that has always liked typing games, from Mario Teaches Typing to the bizarre mountain climbing-themed one we had on the computers in high school, but I had a blast with this, and am gonna play it so much. To the outside listener, it’ll sound like I’m working my ass off. But no, I’m just playing Typing of the Dead meets Balatro. Let’s fucking go.

Desktop Survivors 98

Vampire Survivors continues to influence the indie gaming world, and Desktop Survivors 98 stands out of the pack with its originality and surprising depth. Play it over top of whatever you’re doing, using only your mouse cursor to unlock a hilarious assortment of Windows95-inspired weaponry, from Recycle Bins shooting documents to Solitaire cards buzzing around the screen to a map straight out of Minesweeper. It took zero seconds for this game to win me over.

Is This Seat Taken?

Absolutely one of the best demos that I played. A cozy and funny game about putting people where they’d like to sit. What else could I tell you?

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Tactical Takedown

I’m always gonna be in the bag for the Turtles, but the boys are 100% on a video game tear these last few years. Shredder’s Revenge was a well-received ode to the beat ‘em ups of the past, and for my money, Splintered Fate is a wildly underrated Hades clone. Tactical Takedown is going on the shelf right alongside those.

The turtles lend themselves to turn based tactics naturally, and developers Strange Scaffold nailed it here. In my brief time with the game, I especially liked the way you easily overpower lone foot clan members, but when a half dozen come your way you have to be more considerate with the pattern in which you beat everyone’s ass. The board game-style pieces won’t be for everybody, but the explosive art style bursting from all parts of the game shows that its a choice, not a shortcut, and if you liked Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem, I bet you’ll like the presentation here.

Double Whammy

This ambitious ode to the whole guitar, not just the whammy bar, is being made by a solo developer, which surprised me given how much is in here. By night, you fight nightmare creatures with your guitar (as well as use it to grind rails!), and by day, you work at your Aunt’s guitar shop. The day cycle consists of cleaning the guitar shop, selling guitars, tuning the guitars, playing the guitars, etc. You get it. It’s guitars. This is a game that loves the guitar like Crash Bandicoot loves fucking up boxes that he finds.

There’s even a guitar designer, and the peek of it in the trailer shows how in-depth users will be able to get. If this game finds an audience, it would be great to see that feature get support and allow players to download iconic guitars from users everywhere, all because one solo developer made a love letter to the guitar.

Fretless

Keeping with the theme, here’s another guitar-obsessed game. I would call Fretless a GuitaRPG1. It utilizes a dynamite pixel art style and original soundtrack, all the while incorporating every single element of a guitar into its gameplay. The axe you play (acoustic, bass, etc.) has you using riffs specific to it, allowing you three per turn. The riffs are like cards in a deck, and you choose from your hand which three you shred per turn, with different equipped strings and effects pedals providing perks. Paper Mario-inspired timing inputs make all the sense in the world here, as does the frantic ‘crescendo’ mode, which is basically a Limit Break that plays like Guitar Hero. Fretless infuses the rhythm, deckbuilding, and classic RPG genres in unique and surprising ways, and just might’ve been my favorite game of the festival.

Skin Deep

A clear highlight of Next Fest. If you tend to try goofy shit when games give you freedom, you need to play Skin Deep. Infiltrate cat-operated spaceships that have been conquered by pirates and thwart them by any means you can. I utilized the banana peel I found and threw it where someone would walk on it. This is gonna be one of the best games of the year.

Deliver At All Costs

Like Skin Deep, another game that respects that the player wants needs to fuck around when given a sandbox. I loved this demo’s sense of place, overall presentation, and most of all, that invaluable thing in a game where I get excited to see what insanity each new mission will bring. Banger.

Ruffy and the Riverside

Ruffy is a 3D platformer with a striking art style and a clever gimmick that sees you copying and pasting surfaces, i.e. turning a waterfall into a climbable wall of leaves. Honestly, you can probably look at this picture and tell if this one is your shit or not.

Haste: Broken Worlds

Sonic the Hedgehog meets, uh, ATV Off-Road Fury? This game is all about running fast and landing the right way on hills. It reminds me of Trials mixed with the control I always wished I had over Sonic but never really did. Easily one of the best demos I played this week.

Nautical Survival

With the possible exception of Desktop Survivors 98, my favorite Vampire Survivors-like game I played was this seafaring shooter. All of the tropes of the genre are here but appropriately altered for the game’s setting. Physically traversing the sea to reach different upgrade shops, as well as the solid steering mechanics, make Nautical Survival’s water setting much more than a cosmetic layer. Additionally, I love the graphics and the enemies in this game, and I found choosing whether to prioritize your boat’s steering or its weapons a creative innovation. Hidden gems like this are what I love about Next Fest.

Twisted Tower

London, 1945. A mysterious letter beckons a man to a seemingly deserted carnival. This original setting, mixed with my love for amusement parks, probably gave me the false impression I should play this game (I am not good with scary games at all). I was hoping it’d be more fun than frightening, and after vibing out in the opening area for a while and marveling at how well realized it was, I saw one (1) scary thing and realized I couldn’t handle it. I really want to know what it’s all about, but alas, it felt like a haunted house makes me feel, where cling to the question of: Why should I keep participating in my continued anxiety?

In the case of Steam Next Fest, I just politely move on to the next demo. In the unfortunate case of my wife and I during Cedar Point’s Halloweekends event, they can’t let you leave the haunted house halfway in, you just have to hurry through the rest of it and let them know you’re not into it.

Squirreled Away

In recent years I’ve greatly enjoyed video games that let me be a cute goose, bird, gator, kitty cat, other bird, and now we can add a squirrel to that list. Squirreled Away didn’t need to be anything more than a little cutie running around solving his friends’ problems to earn my recommendation, but it adds depth to this blossoming genre by including a crafting system. On top of innovating, it also adds to the feeling that it’s a great big world and you’re just a cute lil’ squirrel, as recipes for axes and other tools rely on you gathering sticks and rocks, forcing you to pay attention to things you’d just walk by in other games. Plus, naturally, it’s incredibly fun to jump from limb to limb as a squirrel.

Bambas!

Another cozy ‘go around town and help the people you meet’ game, but here, you’re shoes. As much a love letter to shoe culture as Double Whammy and Fretless are the guitar, you play as a customizable set of kicks, all while QWOPing your way around the city, stomping out cigarettes and kicking cans. You’ll be able to upload your original shoe creations in the final game, so if Bambas! catches on, you should be able to find whatever classic Nikes or Adidas tickle your fancy and hit the streets.

Clutchtime: Basketball Deckbuilder

“What are they trying to do to us, man?” I asked my fellow deckbuilding-and-basketball-nut friend, Parker, only half-jokingly, upon discovering this demo. I’d never thought about a basketball deck builder before2, but suddenly it made perfect sense. If they pulled it off, this kind of thing could really ruin me.

Honestly, my first impressions weren’t strong. If the demo offered a tutorial, I sure missed it. I jumped into a match, and quickly got my ass handed to me in a game of card ball. I thought the presentation was flat and uninspired, with plain cards being played over a plain background. The side of the screen was a mess of numbers that I only partially grew to understand. By the end of the fourth quarter, I sort of got it, so I decided to try another one, and then move on.

Then it all clicked during that second game, and soon I was growing to understand the mechanics and was actually quite impressed with the merging of basketball and turn-based card games. Without pulling a hamstring trying to explain it here, suffice to say soon I was marveling at the flow of the game, deploying different defensive schemes and carefully choosing when to foul so as not to end up in the penalty too early in the half. They did it, the crazy bastards. Suddenly, I didn’t give a fuck about card designs or backgrounds: I was hooping.

I’m going to play this game for hours and hours.

Hey, Skitchers! 43 here. I’m sick and tired of Obama getting praised every time he fills out an NCAA bracket or makes a mixtape. I want in on that action, but sadly the only thing I’m very opinionated on is video games. That may surprise you, but I love ‘em. Well some of them, at least. There’s plenty I don’t like. You think you’re tired of politics being shoved down your throat? Try being President and then going to unwind at the end of the day and having some woke bullshit thrown at you.

Anyway, I digress. Here’s my personal list of the best 100 games of all time, prepared exclusively for Skitching the Elephant. Subscribe to this fella’s newsletter, will ya? He seems to think it’ll make him happy.

— George W. Bush

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100. We Love Katamari

I love these crazy games. I never told anyone this, but this is what I was playing when I almost choked on a pretzel to death. I was rolling around on the ground pretending to be a Katamari when it happened.

99. Metroid

That little girl rolls into a ball. Don’t know why, but it makes me giggle.

98. The House of the Dead 2

I remember one night me and Jeb played this and then later that night he came to sleep in my bed. This was last summer. Great game, but get a hold of yourself, Jeb!

97. Minesweeper

I figured this game out during my first year in office. No one thought I could do it, but I set my mind do it and got it done. One of my more unsung achievements as President.

96. Jeopardy!

I memorized every question on Sega Jeopardy! and used to bet Cheney he couldn’t beat me. He would get so mad! One time he yelled “How the hell did you know Alexander Pushkin was considered Russia’s greatest poet?” and I shot right back, “Are you kiddin’ me? Al’s the best!” Cheney didn’t talk to me for a week after that one.

95. Boogerman

I like that Boogerman. He makes me laugh.

94. Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie

I stayed up all night to beat this game. It’s not incredible, but it’s solid. I think I just like it so much because it’s based on my favorite movie.

93. Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater

I got into this during my second term. Called Tony Hawk in the middle of the night one time to ask him how real all of it was, and he told me to call him back in the morning. I’m just now realizing I forgot to do that.

92. Crash Bandicoot

This sumbitch scares the hell out of me, but he makes me laugh, too.

91. Duck Hunt

Cheney called me for the first time in six years to threaten my personal safety if this game didn’t appear on the list. I know I should stop listening to him eventually, but it’s much easier this way.

90. Six Days in Fallujah

This one right here. This is my shit. Also, it makes me laugh.

89. Bush Shootout

An accurate portrayal of our general strategy towards terrorism during my term. Did you know I stayed up all night playing this one time? Heh heh, Laura was so mad when she got up that morning and I was still on the computer.

88. NBA Jam

I like to unlock Bill and Hillary on here and play as them. Then I let the computer push me around as much as they want.

87. SkiFree

I like that monster down there at the bottom of the hill. It makes me laugh when he eats the fella.

86. Tetris

Unlike Minesweeper, I was never quite able to figure this one out. What’s going on with these pieces? Anyway, I like the music in this one a lot.

85. Twisted Metal

I tried to get so many things from this game to happen in real life while I was president, but I was shut down every step of the way. A total bummer.

84. Metal Gear Solid

I like that Snake fella. I like the way he whispers. I like that a lot. This game is hard as hell.

83. Zoop

Zoop! Heh heh heh

82. The Simpsons: Bart vs the Space Mutants

Game freaked me out, man. Freaked me out bad.

81. Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball

When everything got real complicated around you-know-what, I used to boot this game up and pretend I still owned the Texas Rangers. It was a simpler time. I miss it.

80. Super Star Wars

The Star Wars movies always get me real seasick for some reason, so I was glad I cold finally check these things out. Love that Chewie!

79. Wall Street Kid

Whenever I had to vote on some economy thing I would usually play this before bed and hoped it all made sense when I woke up. Great little game.

78. Bigfoot

Look at the size of that bad boy. What else do I need to say?

77. Blades of Steel

A fantastic game in the sense that you get to pummel people from a lot of different countries without proper provocation.

76. Battlefield 2

I was playing this when Hurricane Katrina happened. I’m really sorry about that, everybody. One of the all time greats!

75. Bad Dudes

I won’t say my presidency was BORING, but I don’t know, I thought it would be different. I thought ninjas would try to come take me. This game is funner than heck, but also paints an unrealistic picture of America’s criminal underworld.

74. Pokémon Red

Never blue, always red. Due to the superstitious nature of my fierce conservatism, I’ve never known the pleasure of catching and training a Magmar 🙁

73. The Adventures of Batman & Robin

A semi-forgotten gem among both Batman games and classic beat ‘em ups. This is a spot-on adaptation of the incredible cartoon. Also, I am a war criminal.

72. Mortal Kombat II

This game had it all: fatalities, blood, combos, a respectable amount of cleavage, and that Baraka fella makes me laugh.

71. Plants vs Zombies

I used to tell Laura I was going to study some documents and then she’d find me on the crapper playing this game. I’d say “What, Laura, can’t I play a game while I’m taking a shit?” But I was almost never actually taking a shit.

70. Wayne Gretzky’s 3D Hockey

Hockey is one of America’s greatest exports, and I always liked this crazy ass version the best for some reason.

69. The Terminator 2

Did you know they made a movie out of this game?? I just found that out the other day.

68. Paperboy

This game reminds me of when I was a little kid growing up in Texas. I used to chuck shit at the paperboy.

67. BioShock

I don’t understand half of the shit that’s going on in the game, but god damn, an underwater city. Looks cool.

66. Super Mario Bros. 2

I pronounce it “may-re-oh.” It’s the only way.

65. Marble Madness

I got really into Marble Madness in 2005 after scoring a copy of the NES version on eBay. I kept trying to make my own levels, but it was never as fun as the game. I hear Trump’s still finding marbles in The White House to this day heh heh heh

64. Minit

This is the first game I ever put 100 hours into. Feels good, man.

63. Wheel of Fortune

You will not beat me in this game. I repeat: You will not beat me in Wheel of Fortune. I don’t give a fuck who you are.

62. Cavemen Games

These Cavemen make me laugh and also I firmly believe that they used to have funny Olympic games where they threw each other around. Aw hell, I’m giggling just writing this.

61. Revolution X

For years I told people I’d met Aerosmith, and then one day I realized I was just thinking about when I played this game at Showbiz Pizza that one time. You can shoot CD’s at people in this game.

60. Super Mario 64

It’s truly remarkable how Nintendo was able to take our favorite series of games and reinvent is so flawlessly on its first try. Also, I pissed myself the first time I played it. Maybe it was the motion, maybe it was the excitement. Hard to say.

59. Grand Theft Auto 3

This was the first game I ever skipped an overseas trip to play. You know, I was President for eight years, and I still don’t know what half of those damn trips and meetings were even about. Busy work, it seemed like to me. Anyway, this game blew my freakin’ mind.

58. The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past

Did you know the guy’s name isn’t Zelda? A lot of people think it is, but ‘Zelda’ is actually the name of the world these games take place in.

57. Final Fantasy 6

What a game. I like that Kefka. He makes me laugh. Wish I could barbecue with him sometime.

56. Super R-Type

You ever wonder why I didn’t screw around with outer space too much during my terms? Because I spent so much time playing these shooters in the ‘90s. Between this and Gradius, I was all spaced out.

55. Battlefield: Bad Company 2

The DLC for this game taught me so much about the Vietnam War. Truly a dark time in American history.

54. Freedom Fighters

Games like this underrated shooter are what caused 9/11. The terrorists hated our Freedom Fighters.

53. A Short Hike

Short my ass! This game took me three weeks to conquer. The talking animals made me laugh, though.

52. Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

Even though I was 54 when it came out, Dad thought this movie might be a little intense for me. I saved up some of my oil money and bought the game though, and he had no idea! It’s a fun little adventure game that will surprise you with how much they put into an NES cart. I will admit this all freely now that my father is dead.

51. PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds

I’m a huge Fortnite guy, and I’ve made some of my best friends of my entire life on there, but PUBG isn’t to be overlooked either. I have so much fucking free time I got good at all these games. The paintings are all bullshit.

50. Def Jam Vendetta

Anyone that knows how much I love hip hop, professional wrestling, and fighting games will not be surprised to find this on here.

49. Diddy Kong Racing

I don’t like all that realistic Gran Tursimo shit. Where’s the monkeys??

48. Mortal Kombat 3

This game is notable because it introduced Cyrax, my favorite Mortal Kombat character. No one ever let me dress like Cyrax for Halloween while I was president, but now that I’m retired, I can dress like Cyrax all I want. It’s fantastic!

47. Nintendogs

Laura said I could get a puppy if I did okay at Nintendogs. Well folks, I did better than okay. I fed them, I watered them, I played with them. And do you know what Laura said to me? She said “POTUS shouldn’t have a puppy, it’s just too much responsibility.” Well why did you make the Nintendogs deal, Laura?! Bullshit.

46. Bloody Roar

You can turn into animals and punch people so hard they puke. Everything I look for in a game.

45. Beavis & Butthead

My favorite TV show of all time turned into a Super Nintendo game? It might not be perfect, but this game has a huge spot in my heart. I always shut it off before the damn GWAR concert at the end though. No way, pal.

44. The Simpsons Hit & Run

If you go back and watch the 2004 State of the Union address, you can tell I’m clearly rushing it. It’s because I was hopelessly addicted to this game and just wanted to keep playing it.

43. Manhunt

Funniest damn game I ever played. Why did Rockstar stop making comedies??

42. Centipede

This game is fine, but really I just like that funny ball that’s in the arcade machine instead of a joystick. Keep your quarter, I just like slapping that ball around!

41. Cliffhanger

No, wait! Forget what I said earlier in the entry for Mighty Morphin Power Rangers! Cliffhanger is my favorite movie.

40. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Just the best shit. You know it’s a funny thing; sometimes I feel like a Leo, but then other days I can be a real Raph.

39. Microsoft Flight Simulator

Using this piece of software I can see what all kinds of different parts of Europe look like! My nephew even showed me how to fly over Texas on there. Very cool.

38. Overcooked!

I had no idea this is what cooking food was like! What a riot.

37. Parappa the Rappa

While I can’t stomach a single thing he stands for, the fact remains: that rapping dog makes me laugh.

36. SEGA Bass Fishing

I remember playing this with my daddy back in the summer of 1957. Well, it wasn’t SEGA Bass Fishing. We went real fishing. But I like ‘em both a lot.

35. Among Us

I got the boys into this during pandemic. We’d always just throw Rumsfield out for the hell of it, heh heh heh

34. Mario Paint

The OG. The reason I took up painting. Cheney put this in the oval office one day and told me to color him something nice, and when I came out the Patriot Act was official. He loved my drawing of Yoshi and said I chose really good colors.

33. The Simpsons

A classic. One time we found it at this steakhouse the family was having dinner at, and the twins thought it’d be funny to grab Homer and Bart and make me play as one of the girls. Wasn’t so funny when I left their asses there!! Heh heh heh

32. Home Improvement: Power Tool Pursuit!

I used to watch the rerun of this show every day at 6:30 hoping to catch the crazy episode this game is based on. No luck. Probably the great failure of my life, if I’m being introspective.

31. Bubble Bobble

I used to call Cheney in the middle of the night from my Secret Service guy’s cell phone and he’d answer the phone all grumpy and I’d just whisper “Bubble bobble. Bubble bobble.” It drove him mad and me and the boys used to laugh our asses off.

30. Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude

heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh

29. Bushido Blade

A lot of people don’t know this, but I briefly studied Bushido in college, before it was made clear that my ‘dojo’ was merely a couple of guys taking advantage of my fascination with Asian culture and charging me 1200 bucks a week to sword fight with wrapping paper tubes. Fool me once!

28. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2

I will take every single one of you down. Every. Single. One. Fucking try me.

27. DuckTales

More games about rich idiots without a care in the world, please. Tried to jump on my cane once like Scrooge does in this game and it almost went right up my butt! Heh heh

26. Dead or Alive 2

I like the mechanics here. Those big, beautiful, bouncing mechanics.

25. Paper Mario

Hey, they squished him! This game was so fun, but I couldn’t really have that great of a time, since I was so worried about Mario’s vital organs. After he popped up in some other games and I realized he was okay, I could enjoy this game for the charming RPG it is.

24. Sonic the Hedgehog 2

I used to play this late at night and then wake up early in the morning so I cold run around the hallways pretending to be Sonic. One time Condoleezza saw me and I just pretended to be sleepwalking. She didn’t believe it at all, maybe because I was in my Sonic pajamas, but what was she going to say? I was the president!

23. Harvest Moon 64

Nothing like a good honest day’s work on a farm to remind me what it would have been like if I had been born a poor.

22. WWF Royal Rumble

This was where the pro wrestling games really started to get good. Great game, great controls, great roster. I pulled my ass trying to do Lex Luger moves on Jeb after we played this one.

21. Namco Museum

This is really just a way to get six classic arcade games onto the list in one swift entry. This is the kind of mind that got me re-elected, folks. Economy.

20. The Last of Us 2

I’m currently teaching myself to play guitar using this wonderful game. It’s tough but I’m making some progress!

19. Capcom’s Gold Medal Challenge ‘92

The game that made me want to get into politics. I really wanted to be in the Olympics, and for some reason I thought they only let the President do it. I’m not sure why I thought that.

18. Wii Sports

A generation-defining gaming experience. Suddenly people were playing games that never would have before. I watched Dick Cheney pick up a 5-7-10 split with the Wiimote up his ass on New Year’s Eve!

17. Red Dead Redemption 2

I remember when this came out I used to go down to the basement every morning all dressed up like a cowboy and play this game until the sun came down.

16. Street Fighter II

I hate what they did to that beast man, Blanka. Just a terrible thing, to make that fella fight like that. This is a great game, no doubt about it, but when my opponent picks Blanka, I turn around and walk away. I will not strike my animal friend.

15. Donkey Kong Country

The Zelda games are mostly way too complicated for me, that’s why I’m a Donkey Kong man. Nothing wrong jumping over things and moving to the right until the end of the level. It’s honest work.

14. Hot Shots Golf 3

The next time someone tells you I didn’t accomplish anything as a President please tell them that I unlocked every character in this game during my tenure.

13. Pong

Like so many others, this was the first game I had at home, and I got completely hooked. Laura woke up one night and found me sprawled out on the ground, playing both paddles. One with my hands, one with my feet. My arms and legs were so evenly matched, it was an incredible battle. Laura said, “My god George, what are you doing?” I told her, “They call it gaming, and I think I’m into it!”

12. The Oregon Trail

Oh man, I used this game to bone up on history after I got elected, and all in all, not bad! I thought dysentery was going to be a much bigger deal. Glad we got that figured out.

11. DJ Hero

This game rules. Also, I was one of the guys in Daft Punk.

10. Ace Combat 04: Shattered Skies

I played this game so much I have full confidence in my abilities to pilot a number of modern jets in real life, including the F-16C Fighting Falcon and the F-117A Nighthawk. No problem.

9. GoldenEye 007

When I was Governor of Texas until 2000, I would not get in a limo or plane unless it had a 64 with this game in there. Would not do it. I missed my father’s birthday one year. But I stood by my convictions, just like I always have.

8. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

Did you know San Andreas isn’t a real place? I spent so much time trying to secretly look at whatever maps and stuff were around and I could never spot it. Now I know why.

7. Left 4 Dead 2

Me, Rove, Rice, and Rummy. Unstoppable.

6. Fortnite

I keep asking them to put me in this son of a bitch and the bastards won’t do it. Oh well, who am I kidding? I’m gonna keep playing no matter what they do. Fortnite is just that good.

5. Deal or No Deal

One of the best of all time. Between the Howie Mandel voice clips and using the Wiimote to point at the briefcases, this is a top five gaming experience for me. Unforgettable.

4. Super Mario World

In a lot of ways, Yoshi was my favorite pet I ever had, you know what I mean?

3. Portal 2

Portal 2’s just fuckin’ great.

2. Mario Kart: Super Circuit

I know this Game Boy Advance entry of the series isn’t the best Mario Kart game, but it sure was the easiest one to sneak into those god awful UN meetings!

1. Mario Superstar Baseball

I am a little fuzzy on the birth of my children, but I will always remember exactly where I was when I found out they were letting Mario play baseball. Truly incredible.

(Photos by the incomparable Parker Johnson, co-founder of Palette Swap, which you should absolutely be following if you aren’t already.)

I’m on the record with the not-particularly-bold stance that Jackass has always been incredible, and it took a snobby chunk of our population years to realize it. So while the movies’ Rotten Tomatoes scores grew over time, longtime fans knew that it was always special, one of the funniest cultural institutions of the 21st century and arguably the most consistent. With that distinction, I’d argue that Jackass isn’t just funny, it’s important. (Which is, of course, hilarious.)

I played the PlayStation 2 game back when it came out in 2007 and vaguely recall being mildly amused by it and skipping off of it. I didn’t regret renting it, but I had no desire to keep playing. Nearly 20 years later, I find myself with a newsletter that focuses on video games, namely oddball pop culture adaptations of them1, and I decided to revisit Jackass: The Game and see if there was anything worth writing about in the experience.

Wouldn’t you know it, I had a damn blast and thought it was a hell of an adaptation of one of my favorite things in the world.

In her excellent book covering GoldenEye 007, author Alyse Knorr says about the nature of successful video game adaptations, and why they so often fall short of expectations:

Licensed games usually fail because they’re rushed projects relying entirely on a movie’s brand-name recognition. But games based on movies also often don’t work for an even deeper reason: Films and games are fundamentally different media, involving very different forms of narrative immersion. Many licensed games fail because they focus too much on the source materials’ story rather than on the gameplay. Players must participate in the game world through immersive mechanics and lots of control, which is the opposite of sitting passively and watching a film.

For decades, games based on shit we watch adhered to a plot, not a vibe. The secret is realizing the world and letting players hang out in it, not merely tasking them with going from a recognizable point A to point B. No one complains that the classic Nintendo 64 game made up some scenes that weren’t in the GoldenEye film. Those levels were put in there as excuses for James Bond to use his laser watch and shit, so it all served the GoldenEye adaptation.

Participation, immersive mechanics, and lots of control: Jackass for the PS2 has these things in spades.

While it may seem puzzling at first, upon reflection Jackass makes sense as a video game for a multitude of reasons. It’s an extremely popular license, a whole-ass vibe, features dozens of memorable moments, and has an eclectic cast of characters complete with several recognizable costumes, be they Ryan Dunn covered in shit from swimming in a sewage tank or Johnny Knoxville’s immaculately cultivated thrift store collection. Additionally, the Jackass IP also comes complete with a font, a perfect framing device for insane minigames, and is the perfect game to load up with bulletproof punk rock tracks.

Though the show was long off the air by ‘07, the game’s MTV Story Mode involves the squad putting a new season together, one episode at a time. When you accumulate enough good footage for each episode, by way of racking up high scores in sets of minigames, you air the episode and begin making the next one. You’ll meet the whole gang along the way, and even a few deep-cut surprises for fans. Except there’s no Bam, because of his contractual obligation to Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater stuff, but that’s fine. Bam is missed, but much like Jackass Forever, it’s not a deal breaker. Jackass is like a great sports team. Next man up2.

The cut scenes and dialogue range from feeling authentically Jackassian to being moronic in the wrong ways, but overall they’re pretty good. I wish the introductions to each bit had more charm, but sadly, about a third of them digress into them just beating on whatever vehicle or prop they’re about to use, like teenage Homer Simpson instinctively bashing the weather station just because it’s there.

Once I got to the minigames, I was impressed and surprised. A lot of them run on similar engines, but that’s fine. I think the most important thing is they’re creative, funny, and the batting average is strong overall. In a fun bit of worlds colliding, many of them reference other video games. Examples include things like “Fridge Racer” (where you ride down the San Francisco streets on refrigerators), “Short Fighter” (where you assault a car as Wee Man, akin to the infamous Street Fighter II minigame), and a Katamari type game where you roll Preston Lacy into an increasingly bigger snowball down a ski hill, swallowing up snowboarders and other things along the way.

The inspired themes of the minigames can at least partially be attributed to the Jackass fellas’ involvement. Not only did they reportedly pitch ideas to developers, but reports indicate that they even contributed old stunts they had to shelve in real life for being far too dangerous. I’m guessing these are the ones involving hitting grenades with golf clubs or fucking around with bumper cars on skyscraper rooftops. It explains why the more over-the-top games are still pretty on-brand.

In addition to using ideas that never were, many all-time Jackass bits are recreated here with reverence. Driving golf carts around a mini golf course and harassing Japanese locals as Party Boy bring to mind highlights of the first film, while egg eating contests, Pogo sticks, and shopping carts hearken back to classic bits from the original series. There’s even a clever recreation of Knoxville’s Rolling Stone cover shoot that also served as a stunt on the show.

My favorite one of these might be the reference and escalation of Steve-O’s full back self-portrait tattoo from One. In the game, Steve-O is paying it forward, giving Wee Man a Wee Man tattoo on his back as he rides on a mechanical car ride inside of a mall. The combination of stunt and setting is perfect, and the kind of cohesively presented absurdity I don’t think Jackass always gets enough credit for. The game also missed a golden opportunity to be the second video game featuring Butterbean as a final boss, but you can’t win them all.

Jackass: The Game also provides running injury notifications that are a clever touch, even if they’re ultimately meaningless. Akin to the thing in Burnout that tells you the parts of the car you’re fucking up, it lets you know which bones and other things you’ve hurt in the Jackass’ body. More games could adopt this mechanic and I wouldn’t be mad. I’ve always been curious to know whether or not Nathan Drake or Crash Bandicoot are injuring their testicles, but those boring games never tell you that stuff.

I also liked that the game’s goals often reflect the appeal of show. Most of the racing based events will reward you for finishing in first place or in a skillful time, but they also include equally important objectives centered on doing damage to the surroundings or yourself. This is the spirit of Jackass, a stunt show where no one’s really interested in seeing the stunts performed competently or successfully. By rewarding the player equally for nailing things and eating shit trying to nail things, Jackass: The Game stays true to the laughing, limping spirit of its source material.

Don’t let me oversell it. It’s a collection of 40+ physics based minigames with depth way closer to WarioWare than UFO50. Some of them are slogs, and if you don’t enjoy the first few you’re not going to turn the corner at any point. And sure, plenty of things could’ve been tightened up. But this funny, dirty, inspired title lives up to its namesake and offers a surprising amount to do. It’s not one-note, it’s more like three chords played to perfection.

Plus, any game that lets you unlock bonus footage of Ryan Dunn recording voice overs is an easy rec for a sap like me. I remain disappointed that Dunn’s death was a circumstance of drinking and driving, and that a passenger passed away in the incident as well, but I also remain sad about the Random Hero-sized hole left in the crew ever since. The game’s treasure trove of unlockable behind the scenes clips and classic footage from the show sadly serve as a time capsule of Jackass before they lost one of their own. It’s a treat.

(That clip has nothing to do with the game, I just like it a lot)

I know it’s wishful thinking, but after playing this I couldn’t help but think that future video games could be a great way to continue the Jackass series. After all, digital Johnny Knoxville can fill up his concussion card and nobody has to go to the hospital. Perhaps future installments would share a similar trajectory to the films, and the series could slowly win everyone over, and before we know it the fourth Jackass game could very well be one of the highlights of our next pandemic.

Or probably not. But hey, they should make a Wildboyz game.

Jeopardy! is probably the most popular game show of my lifetime, and they’ve been making video games based on it ever since they could make video games. Looking around the (inter)net, I could not find any comprehensive rankings of all 324 Jeopardy! titles that have been released on major consoles. Well, I took care of that1.

Agree or disagree? Leave your own rankings in the comments! And please subscribe for more video game coverage from Skitching the Elephant.

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324. Jeopardy! (Game Gear)

323. Jeopardy! Tournament Edition (SNES)

322. Headache Jeopardy! (Virtual Boy)

321. Jeopardy! Hollywood Edition (3DS)

320. Monster Truck Jeopardy! (NES)

319. Jeopardy! Legends (PS4)

318. Bill Walsh College Jeopardy ‘95! (Genesis)

317. Jeopardy! Evolution (PS4)

316. Jeopardy! Alex Shouts Everything Edition (XBox)

315. Jeopardy: Autopsy! (Wii)

314. Mutant League Jeopardy! (Genesis)

313. Back Alley Jeopardy! (NES)

312. Jeopardy! (Philips cd-i or something)

311. Earthworm Jeopardy! (Genesis)

310. Jeopardy! Kinect (Kinect)

309. IHRA Jeopardy! (PS2)

308. Jeopardy (Sorta) Free! (Mobile)

307. Jeopardy! (Lynx)

306. Shave Alex Trebek’s Mustache! (Wii)

305. BK Jeopardy! Starring Alex as The King! (360)

304. Jeopardy! (DS)

303. Jeopardy Encore! Jeopardy Rocks the 80s! (PS2)

302. Jeopardy! Reloaded (PS4)

301. Aaahh! Real Jeopardy! (SNES)

     

300. Clunky Virtual Jeopardy! (PSVR)

299. Jeopardy! Deal or No Deal Edition (Wii)

298. Jeopardy Saga! (DS)

297. Virtua Jeopardy! (Saturn)

296. Barkley: Shut up and Play Jeopardy! (SNES)

295. Jeopardy! Teen Edition (N64)

294. Canadian Jeopardy! (SNES)

293. Jackie Chan Adventures: Jeopardy! (GBA)

292. Jeopardy! Kids Edition (NES)

291. Mary Shelley’s Jeopardy! (XB1)

290. Jeopardy! Is Alex Sobbing? Edition (XBox)

289. Jeopardy Paint! (SNES)

288. Jeopardy! The Ride: The Game! (Wii)

287. Jeopardy: Tulsa! (360)

286. Jeopardy! College Edition (PS)

285. Jeopardy! Sports Edition (Genesis)

284. Player Unknown’s Jeopardy! (PC)

283. Jeopardy Warriors! (PS4)

282. Jeopardy! Oops All Clues Edition (PS3)

281. Jeopardy! The Reckoning (PS4)

280. Jeopardy! Featuring Rabbids Somehow! (Wii U)

279. Jeopardy! Armageddon (PS4)

278. T2: Jeopardy Day! (Arcade)

277. Jeopardy! 2004 Election Edition (PS2)

276. Katamari Jeopardy! (Dreamcast)

275. Spring Break Jeopardy! (PS2)

274. Jeopardy! (Jaguar)

273. Sid Meier’s Jeopardy! (PC)

272. Jeopardy! Green Day (360)

271. Jeopardy! Retaliation (PS4)

270. Jeopardy! Sports Edition (SNES)

269. Biblical Jeopardy! (NES)

268. Jeopardy: Impactful Supreme Court Decisions Edition! (PC)

267. Off Road Jeopardy! (PS2)

266. MTV’s Jeopardy! (PS2)

265. Jeopardogs! (Wii)

264. Jeopardy: Sports Edition: Game of the Year Edition (PS3)

263. Jeopardy Dreams! (SNES)

262. House of Jeopardy! (DC)

261. Everybody Loves Jeopardy! (PS)

260. Jeopardy! The Legend of Curly’s Gold (SNES)

259. Jeopardy! International Edition (NES)

258. Jeopardy! Revenge of the Joker (DS)

257. Black Bass Jeopardy! (SNES)

256. Jeopardy! World at War (PS3)

255. Jeopardy! High School Dropout Edition (PS)

254. Jeopardy Fit! (Wii)

253. Everybody Play Jeopardy! (PC)

252. Jeopardy! Origins (PS4)

251. Jeopardy! I Don’t Really Watch Sports Edition (SNES)

     

250. Jeopardy Heroes! (Genesis)

249. Jeopardy! Alex is Loopy From the Dentist Edition (XBox)

248. Marjeo Pardy! (N64)

247. Crazy Jeopardy! (DC)

246. I Have No Mouth and I Must Play Jeopardy! (PC)

245. Jeopardy! A Telltale Game (PS3)

244. Jeopardy! Don’t Look at Alex Edition (XBox)

243. Cool Ranch Jeopardy! (PS4)

242. Silent Jeopardy! (XB1)

241. Supermarket Jeopardy! (N64)

240. The Blue Collar Jeopardy Tour! (PS2)

239. Jeopardy! Unplugged (GB)

238. Jeopardy! No Buzzers Edition (Vita)

237. Jeopardy! (Sears Max Value Video Unit)

236. Rise of Jeopardy! (PS4)

235. Passover Jeopardy! (Wii)

234. Jeopardy! (Sega CD)

233. Double Dragon II: Jeopardy! (NES)

232. Jeopardy Jr.! (Arcade)

231. Who Wants to Play Jeopardy With a Millionaire? (Wii)

230. Jeopardy! (Genesis)

229. Jeopardy! Redemption (PS4)

228. The Adventures of Kid Jeopardy! (NES)

227. Jeopardy! G-Unit Edition (PS2)

226. Jeopardy! 2 (PS)

225. Need for Speed: Jeopardy! (360)

224. Jeopardy! The Official Game of the Movie (PS2)

223. Jeopardy! Director’s Cut (PS)

222. Tales of Jeopardy! (DC)

221. Jeopardy Fever! (DS)

220. Decathlon Jeopardy! (GBA)

219. Brett Hull Jeopardy ‘95! (SNES)

218. Jeopardy Mama! (Wii)

217. Dr. Jeopardy! (NES)

216. Little League Jeopardy! (GBA)

215. Jeopardy! Underground (PS4)

214. Jeopardy of the Dead! (Arcade)

213. Jeopardy Wars! (GBA)

212. Jeopardy: Bustin’ Out! (PS)

211. Jeopardy! (NES)

210. Jeopardy Land! (DS)

209. Jeopardy! Get the Knife Away from Alex Edition (XBox)

208. Nuclear Science Jeopardy! (GC)

207. Jeopardy Theme! (Rock Band Download)

206. Xtreme Jeopardy! (360)

205. Jeopardy! (PS3)

204. Jeopardy: The MMORPG (PC)

203. Super Jeopardy! (SNES)

202. High Heat Major League Jeopardy 2002! (PS2)

201. Lego Jeopardy! (XBox)

     

200. Jeopardy! Report From Hell (PS2)

199. Midway Jeopardy Treasures! (GBA)

198. 21st Century Jeopardy 2000! Special Millennium 2k Edition! (N64)

197. Jeopardy 4×4! Masters of Metal (PS2)

196. Jeopardy! Deception (PS4)

195. Jeopardy! Revolution (PS4)

194. Jeopardy! Deluxe Edition (SNES)

193. Roger Clemens’ MVP Jeopardy! (SNES)

192. Jeopardy! (Neo Geo)

191. Kind of Like Jeopardy! (Atari 2600)

190. Jeopardy and Earl! (Genesis)

189. Jeopardy Arcade! (Arcade)

188. Full Contact Jeopardy! (Genesis)

187. Jeopardy! (PS3)

186. Jordan vs. Jeopardy! (SNES)

185. Wheel of Jeopardy! (Wii)

184. Backyard Jeopardy! (PS)

183. Jeopardy’s Greatest Hits Collection! Volume 1 (XB1)

182. Jeopardy! All the Answers are “The Dead Sea” Edition (XBox)

181. Jeopardy! San Andreas (PS2)

180. Jeopardy! (GC)

179. Classic Jeopardy! (SNES)

178. Jeopardy Maker! (PC)

177. Dave Mirra Freestyle Jeopardy! (PS2)

176. Jeopardy Pinball! (PS2)

175. Just Dance & Play Jeopardy! (Wii)

174. Jeopardy with Dolphins! (PS3)

173. CSI: Jeopardy! (PS3)

172. Gepardy! (Saygun Genesix)

171. Jeopardy Tournament Fighter! (SNES)

170. Zero Gravity Jeopardy! (360)

169. 18 Wheelin’ Jeopardy! (PS2)

168. Jeopardy! (Switch)

167. Jeopardy! Urban Strike (Genesis)

166. Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego, Alex? (PC)

165. Jeopardy! Midwest Edition (PS)

164. Disney Jeopardy! (NES)

163. Jeopardy! Patient Zero (3DS)

162. Jeopardy! (3DS)

161. Jeopardy! Know Your Role (PS2)

160. Angry Birds Jeopardy! (Mobile)

159. Jeopardy! Tommy Lee Jones is One of the Contestants Edition (XBox)

158. The Secret World of Alex Trebek (PS)

157. Jeopardy Quarterback Club ‘95! (SNES)

156. Biblical Street Jeopardy! (NES)

155. Jeopardy! Vengeance (PS4)

154. Jeopardy! (Sega Seg Seg)

153. Jeopardy! (PS)

152. Jeopardy! 1995 Tony Awards Edition (SNES)

151. Operation: Desert Jeopardy! (NES)

     

150. Bill Laimbeer’s Combat Jeopardy! (SNES)

149. Lego Jeopardy! (360)

148. Wild Wild Jeopardy! (N64)

147. Jeopardy! (Xbox)

146. Jeopardy! Redemption (PS4)

145. Jeopardy! Black Ops (PS3)

144. Jeopardy! Starring Alex Jones (XB1)

143. Jeopardy! Personal Questions Edition (XBox)

142. Jeopardy Simulator! (PC)

141. Tony Hawk’s Downhill Jeopardy! (360)

140. The Secret of Jeopardy! (SNES)

139. Jeopardy! Revenge (PS4)

138. Cabela’s African Jeopardy Adventures! (360)

137. Jeopardy Racing! (PS2)

136. Key Party Jeopardy! (PC)

135. Borderline Celebrity Jeopardy! (XB1)

134. Paper Jeopardy! (N64)

133. Fractured Family Game Night: Jeopardy! (360)

132. Jeopardy! Breakfast Edition (GB)

131. Jeopardy Tycoon! (PC)

130. Jeopardy! Anniversary Edition (NES)

129. Jeopardy Tennis! (N64)

128. Underwater Jeopardy! (GC)

127. Jeopardy! Dinosaur in Studio Edition (XBox)

126. Jeopardy Scope! The Quest to Assassinate Ken Jennings (PS2)

125. Dr. Jeopardy! (NES)

124. Jeopardy! (360)

123. The Price is Jeopardy! (Wii)

122. Jeopardy 1942! (PC)

121. Jeopardy! Alex’s Bad Mustache Day (N64)

120. Jeopardy But It’s Chess! (GC)

119. Old West Jeopardy! (PC)

118. All Star Jeopardy! (PS2)

117. Jeopardy! (Wii)

116. Jeopardy Island! (SNES)

115. Jeopardy Goes to Hell! (PS2)

114. Jungle Strike Jeopardy! (Genesis)

113. Def Jam Jeopardy! (PS2)

112. Jeopardy! Dead by Dawn (PC)

111. Jeopardy! Alex Just Wants Some Peace and Quiet Edition (XBox)

110. Virtua Jeopardy Fighter! (Saturn)

109. Jeopardy: Alex Returns (3DS)

108. Jeopardy vs. Capcom! (Dreamcast)

107. Jeopardy! Alex Thinks You’re A Communist Edition (XBox)

106. Mario Pardy! (Wii U)

105. “All Star” Jeopardy! Featuring Smash Mouth (PS3)

104. Jeopardy! (N64)

103. Jeopardy! Unleashed (PS4)

102. Jeopardy2k7! (Dreamcast)

101. Jeopardy! Go (Mobile)

     

100. Overly Complicated Jeopardy! (Wii U)

99. Jeopardy! World at War (PS3)

98. Jeopardy Blitz! (PS)

97. Jeopardy Snap! (N64)

96. Jeopardy! Other Jeopardy! Games Edition (PS3)

95. Prince of Jeopardy! (GC)

94. Bionic Jeopardy! (NES)

93. Jeopardy! Infinite (PS4)

92. Jeopardy! Deluxe Edition (Genesis)

91. You Don’t Know Jeopardy! (PC)

90. Outdoor Jeopardy! (PS)

89. Jeopardy: Wet & Wild! (Wii)

88. Jeopardy Audience Member (PSVR)

87. Amish Jeopardy! (XB1)

86. Assassin’s Creed: Jeopardy! (360)

85. Jeopardy! Tournament of Champions (SNES)

84. Jeopardy! Twink Edition (360)

83. Jeopardy’s Greatest Hits Collection! Volume 2 (XB1)

82. Vampire Jeopardy! (3DS)

81. Cruis’n Jeopardy! (Arcade)

80. Jeopardy Adventure! (Dreamcast)

79. Jeopardy! (PS4)

78. Project Jeopardy! (DS)

77. Jeopardy! Retribution (PS4)

76. Jeopardy X! Featuring Aerosmith (Arcade)

75. Jeopardy! 1996 Tony Awards Edition (PS4)

74. Hunger Strike Jeopardy! (Genesis)

73. Hot Shots Jeopardy! (PS)

72. Mike Tyson’s Jeopardy! (NES)

71. Jeopardy Trilogy! (Saturn)

70. Jeopardy! Requiem (PS4)

69. Jeopardy! Alex is on Peyote Edition (XBox)

68. Sim Jeopardy! (PC)

67. Jeopardy! Endurance Challenge (NES)

66. Baz Luhrman’s Jeopardy! (Kinect)

65. Jeopardy! Unleashed (PS3)

64. Jeopardy! No One Can Find Alex Edition (XBox)

63. ATV Quad Power Jeopardy! (PS2)

62. Jeopardy! Blue (GB)

61. Jeopardy! Red (GB)

60. Jeopardy! Decades (Vita)

59. Kawasaki Jet Ski Jeopardy! (Wii)

58. Jeopardy! Dream Collection (DS)

57. Jeopardy! Flint Water Crisis Edition (PS4)

56. Jeopardy Saga! (Saturn)

55. Backyard Jeopardy! (PSX)

54. Jeopardy! Rivals (GBA)

53. Jeopardy! Blood Oath DLC (360)

52. Jeopardy! Isolation (PS3)

51. Jeopardy! Alex Just Watched All the ‘Saw’ Movies Edition (XB1)

    

50. Jeopardy. An Independent Game. (PC)

49. Black Bass Jeopardy! (SNES)

48. Jeopardy! The Lost Questions (GC)

47. Jeopardy! Couples Edition (PS)

46. Leapin’ Jeopardy! (SNES)

45. Wheel of Jeopardy! (Wii)

44. Jeopardy Dragoon! (Saturn)

43. Jeopardy After Dark! (PS4)

42. Ken Griffey’s Home Run Jeopardy! (SNES)

41. Jeopardy! Upstairs Edition (N64)

40. Civil War Jeopardy! (PC)

39. Jeopardy! (Dreamcast)

38. Streets of Jeopardy! (Genesis)

37. Viva La Jeopardy! (Wii)

36. Scene It? Jeopardy! (PS2)

35. Jeopardy! Generations (360)

34. Jeopardy Island! (PS)

33. GOJ: Game of Jeopardy! (Mobile)

32. Jeopardy! Hell in a Cell (PS2)

31. Jeopardy! (Nintendo Orb)

30. Jeopardy! Has Alex Been Drinking? Edition (Xbox)

29. Ice Jeopardy! (GBC)

28. Ultimate Jeopardy! (XB1)

27. Jeopardy! Anthology (GBA)

26. Jeopardy Dash! (Mobile)

25. Jeopardy! Hell on Earth (PS2)

24. Jeopardy! Fight for Your Life (GBA)

23. Double Dragon II: Jeopardy! (NES)

22. Jeopardy! Heartbreak (PC)

21. Big Top Jeopardy! (SNES)

20. Miniature Jeopardy! (PS2)

19. Jeopardy Jam! (Wii)

18. Jeopardy! Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (Wii)

17. Dirt Bike Jeopardy! (PS2)

16. Tales of Jeopardy! (PS3)

15. Jeopardy in an Alley! (NES)

14. Jeopardy! Wacky Stackers (GBA)

13. Table Top Jeopardy! (360)

12. Jeopardy Quest! (Vita)

11. Jeopardy! Echoes of Time (DS)

10. Jeopardy! Alex Wants to Play Too Edition (Xbox)

9. Jeopardy Nightmares! (PC)

8. Jeopardy on Horses! (Wii)

7. Jeopardy! (SNES)

6. Jeopardy! Legacy (PS4)

5. Trivial Pursuit: Jeopardy! (360)

4. Jeopardy Crusade! (PS3)

3. Jeopardy: Galaxies (360)

2. Jeopardy RPG! Legend of the Seven Categories (SNES)

1. Jeopardy! (PS2)

   

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But unlike Star Wars, the Jurassic franchise started to sour with its first sequel. Despite director Steven Spielberg adapting another Michael Crichton novel, this time with a cast that included a returning Jeff Goldblum and talented additions like Vince Vaughn and Julianne Moore, 1997’s The Lost World: Jurassic Park is thoroughly underwhelming. It’s a nonsensical mess strung together by an insulting plot and a central cast that isn’t as likable as the dinosaurs threatening to eat them.

Admittedly, I still enjoy the very, very stupid sequence in which a T-Rex somehow steers a boat onto the San Diego shore, escapes, and runs wild through the streets, but it’s impossible to defend. Among other things, how does the giant lizard manage to pull the boat into the dock all by himself? My stepdad’s into boats, and I’ve seen them go into docks. You need like two or three guys.

Even if you put that insane third act aside, the movie sucks in many ways that are less exciting than a T-Rex playing Godzilla for a minute. For one, very few characters make it back from the original. At one point, we see Ian Malcom’s stepdaughter doing gymnastics at a raptor and saving the day. And there’s, no shit, a part where John William’s iconic theme is used to score John Hammond crossing a room in his pajamas.

I only just recently gave some attention to 1995’s The Chaos Continues, the Jurassic Park sequel in the form of a video game that came out two years earlier than The Lost World. It’s no masterpiece, but it is a hell of a better follow-up to the original JP.

The best and worst thing about the SNES version of this game might be how good the opening cinematic is. The scene tells of BioSyn, a rival company to InGen that gets their own bright idea to go in guns blazing and steal stuff from Jurassic Park before their plan all goes to shit. One of the greatest cinematics I’ve seen on the system, it feels like a snapshot of some long-forgotten Jurassic Park Saturday morning cartoon we never got. It’s colorful and expressive like my childhood favorites G.I. Joe and Batman: The Animated Series.

It looks incredible, and once the dust settles the game is a pretty competent and challenging mid-90s run and gun platformer, completely on par with contemporaries like Alien3, Contra 3, and others that don’t have a 3 in their title.

JP2: TheCC figured you would read the manual for this game, which was a fair enough assumption in 1995. Sadly, I played it on my Steam Deck in 2024, so I missed a whole chunk of the plot. When I looked it up online, the book explained that John Hammond, possibly in his pajamas, dispatched Dr. Alan Grant and a man named Michael Wolfskin (seriously) to the island to deal with the BioSyn asses.

Without that information, and since the Alan Grant sprite looks nothing like Alan Grant, I genuinely played this game for a long time thinking I was some asshole that was just rolling up on Jurassic Park and shooting dinosaurs. It turns out I was Alan Grant shooting a bunch of dinosaurs. And that, reader, has made all the difference.

It really is worth harping on the Grant sprite for a minute, though. I’m not expecting a photorealistic depiction on the Super Nintendo, but jet-black hair ain’t it, dudes. Grant looks more like Malcom, Gennaro, or Nedry. Odd choice.

The levels are a varied affair of SNES action stuff—jumping, shooting, figuring out where you’re supposed to be going, repeat. But there are some real highlights throughout. The chase scene in the second half of the T-Rex level is a capital S Set Piece, and probably the coolest thing I’ve seen in any Jurassic Park video game.

In addition to dinosaurs, Grant (who successfully got Timmy and Lexi through the park and back to safety in Jurassic Park) also kills a lot of guys in this game! Men with machine guns and flamethrowers, but no doubt spouses and children as well. Are we really so different from the Tyrannosaurus? I don’t know! I prefer to think that there’s a time for digging and a time for shooting. Dr. Grant just knows the difference is all.

Overall, the SNES version of The Chaos Continues is a solid game that’s too hard for a baby like me. But the plot of Alan Grant and The Man They Call Wolfskin defending the park from human intruders is engaging and runs circles around the story of The Lost World.

Jurassic Park 2: The Chaos Continues’ Game Boy edition, meanwhile, is about Alan Grant being left behind on Jurassic Park for some reason. This premise is a little wonky and underdeveloped, but it continues the trend of besting the films by being a much more convincing Alan Grant nightmare than the time he dreamt a raptor was talking to him. It’s still not as ridiculous as the time Ian Malcom’s stepdaughter does gymnastics to a velociraptor. Seriously. What the hell was that, man?

The handheld version of this game is a delightful shooter/platformer. You explore each level and search for enough keycards to open the gate at the end. The levels land somewhere between a straightforward Super Mario Bros. platformer and a sprawling Metroidvania. It’s simplistic in a lot of ways, but I think it suits this version of the game quite well.

Remember in the original Jurassic Park, when one of the first things that happens once we start seeing dinosaurs is Grant and Ellie tending to a sick triceratops? Remember how it establishes Ellie’s expertise, and Grant lays on the belly of the sick beast, showing both the awe and respect he has for the creatures? Well, forget that, because in Jurassic Park 2 for the Game Boy, it’s on-sight with the triceratops, raptors, and anything else. Sorry, guys. It's only because you’re healthy and running towards me. I’ll lay on your corpse’s bellies and pray for you.

The level where the T-Rex chases you on foot is inspired, and a lot more exciting than most levels found in Game Boy games. It suffers from that god damned zoomed-in Game Boy screen, however, as it becomes too tricky to tell which path you’re supposed to take as the prick chases you. Other levels have you in the jungle, underwater, and inside of buildings. The game gets a lot of mileage out of the system’s four shades of green when it comes to bringing all of these locations to life.

Unsurprisingly, the Game Boy version is a little lighter on the narrative. It all boils down to some kind of ATM-type screen giving you your missions and providing the backstory. I never figured out who it was. John Hammond? Someone from InGen? Or was it just a self-aware machine, like the one that insults Stephen King at the beginning of Maximum Overdrive?

Truth be told, both versions of Jurassic Park 2: The Chaos Continues are probably just as stupid as Jurassic Park: The Lost World, but I find their brand of stupidity to be grounded and appropriate. No heroic gymnastics, no grandiose pajama walks, and no T-Rex’s steering ships across the Pacific. Just classic platforming, shooting, and a body count that puts the rest of the franchise to shame.

However, I recently learned about an all-but-finished South Park game for the Game Boy Color that was supposedly scrapped at the last minute not due to poor quality or a lack of interest, but because creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone opted at the last minute not to release a game that potty-mouthed on such a kid-friendly platform. 

It turns out that a few years ago, a prototype of the ROM was made available online, which is great news! This means that after you send what you feel are appropriate amounts of money to Comedy Central, Paramount, and Stone & Parker, you’re free to download the game and play it yourself! 

Unlike a lot of abandoned prototypes and unfinished projects made available on the internet, this is a fully realized game, complete with cutscenes and a soundtrack by chiptune legend Tim Follin. If nothing else, it’s a handful of unearthed tracks from the guy who got assigned the soundtrack to Pictionary on the NES and turned in this absolute banger. (What the hell, Tim?)

Overall the South Park GBC game is fun and suits the show, certainly the first few seasons. The graphics are crude, but is that so bad? I think the Game Boy Color’s simple-but-charming graphic capabilities serve the show’s look wonderfully. Conversely, the South Park N64 game had weird 3D graphics similar to the style they satirically teased in an early preview for the movie, where joke was at least partially “Wouldn’t this look dumb?” This game, like the show and film, understood that flashier doesn’t mean better when it comes to South Park.

Additionally, this cartridge making your Game Boy recite crude renditions of “Oh my God, they killed Kenny!” and “Dude, that kicks ass!” at the end of levels is hard not to get a kick out of. To say nothing of this killer rendition of the theme song.

Beyond the sights and sounds, I was happy to discover a perfectly enjoyable character-driven puzzle game. Kenny keeps getting trapped, and you must switch between Kyle, Cartman, and Stan, all of whom have different abilities, to navigate the levels and free your friend. It doesn’t matter if you do, obviously; Kenny dies shortly after being freed every time and you move on to a new set of levels.

Unlike the “Why does this even exist?” nature of the other games of the era, players are given nine different chapters of South Park anchored by engaging gameplay that is inspired and funny. Not bad! 

The game’s episodic nature means you’ll see a ton of stuff from the show, from levels set on Ms. Crabtree’s bus and Mr. Garrison’s classroom to boss fights against Damien and UFOs. It truly feels like a game with the show’s DNA, something we wouldn’t get until 2014’s The Stick of Truth, and its 2017 sequel The Fractured But Whole. 

It wasn’t for a lack of trying, though. There were three first-wave South Park games released on the Nintendo 64, as well as some other systems. They were three very different titles, and they were all so very, very bad. 

Last year me and some of the knuckleheads that were still writing for Hard Drive at the time played and ranked all 296 Nintendo 64 Games that were released in North America. The immeasurably talented and funny Chandler Dean wrote up two of the SP games, and I did the other one. Here’s a summary of what we said:

South Park Rally (#288 of 296)

…I came to realize that in other racing games, we often fail to appreciate how wonderful it is to know where you are supposed to be going and how you are supposed to get there. Instead of simply circling around a set path, South Park Rally is one of very few racing games to embrace FromSoftware-style open world hostility; you’re free to go wherever you want, but you’re fucked if you don’t take one highly specific route. Other things we’ve taken for granted? Controls that work, sound that’s audible, AI that’s beatable, and most of all: a game that’s playable. South Park Rally succeeds only as an exercise in cynicism. Acclaim took this beloved franchise, chopped it up, fed it to us, and licked up our tears. Jesus Christ, dude. — Chandler Dean

South Park: Chef’s Luv Shack (#267 of 296)

It’s obvious that the developers think South Park is just a bunch of poop jokes—when in reality, South Park is a bunch of poop jokes with an underlying theme of libertarian nihilism. The questions are wanting; you get a little South Park trivia and a lot of Snapple facts hastily rephrased as questions. The handful of minigames wouldn’t make the front page of Newgrounds. — Chandler Dean

South Park (#231 of 296)

I found it’s really not worth trudging through this game’s big empty levels to hear Kyle say “No way, dude!” and a bunch of not-that-funny-today Season One era bits. It’s really too bad that this floaty first person shooter missed the mark, because a halfway fun four-player South Park game would have been absolutely obsessed over by a generation of youths, played in between sessions of Mario Kart and GoldenEye. Sadly, they blew it, and its legacy is merely that it’s one of three South Park games for the system that quite simply should not be. — M. Roebuck

There you have it. A trilogy of awful games that would have been bested by the canceled one. I get that the Game Boy was geared toward kids, but wasn’t that the perception of Nintendo at large? I assure you, I wasn’t gathering with adults to play Mario Party and WaveRace 64 back in those days. Aborting the Game Boy cart and releasing three games on the 64 hardly seems consistent. Especially when you consider that mature-themed games like Resident Evil Gaiden, Metal Gear Solid, and Survival Kids all released on the Game Boy Color. Big whup! 

I said this once already, and it might seem obvious or unimportant, but I’d like to stress that in 1997, South Park was everywhere. Sure, it might have been inappropriate for a kid’s console, but South Park merchandise was hardly kept away from children in other aspects.  Hell I leveled up two whole social tiers because I got this shirt from Spencer’s Gifts in the 8th grade.  

A few years later, in a post-Columbine world, the South Park movie is the one film I remember proving to be inaccessible to me due to its R-rating and the sensitivity in the air around media and age appropriateness. How fitting that the film showed how kids are going to lie to their parents and seek out the “harmful” media they want to consume no matter what. I don’t think too many more or less kids would’ve played South Park on the Game Boy than they did on the N64.

With the cancellation of this game, Parker and Stone were no better than Kyle’s mom, the big fat bitch. It’s too bad, because it’s actually pretty good. If you don’t believe me, check out The New Adventures of Mary-Kate & Ashley, because that’s what the South Park game was crudely reskinned into. You play as Mary-Kate, Ashley, and their dog Clue. None of them get killed, if you’re wondering.

Thanks for reading. Sorry it’s been a minute. As I detailed in a previous post, I’ve changed the newsletter/website to being entirely free, and with that comes a more sporadic posting schedule. However, I am excited about continuing Skitching the Elephant, and have several more posts already cooking up.

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As such, I am going to shake up how this publication operates and pause the paid tier indefinitely. I just want to put stuff up for free when I can moving forward. I should probably look into whether Substack allows me to do this, but I have not done that yet. I will later. I’m just so fucking1 busy, you see!

When I started this publication earlier this year, I was newly unemployed and mad as hell. What I didn’t realize then was that I was desperate to keep writing, and you all provided me with an outlet for that. It provided direction and value to me at a time when I could’ve slipped into some pretty dark waters. 

I don’t mean to talk like Skitching the Elephant is over with. It isn’t! I just wanted to point out that in addition to being a fun project for me, it’s actually proven itself to be important and for that, I thank anyone that’s reading this2. 

Along with my thanks goes an apology to my paid subscribers, especially the handful that paid for a year in advance. While my gut tells me that the people on that short list I’m lucky enough to know were happy to do it to support me, and aren’t going to demand the 20-some paid-exclusive posts I technically owe them, my head worries that they’re disappointed in me. 

To rectify this, the next time I see any of you in person, you can take one (1) item from me. Article of clothing, phone, credit card, it’s your call. Whatever you think is fair. I just hope we’re cool. 

I love writing these posts, and I love hearing from you guys about them. I like what this thing has turned into, and remain excited to see where it goes. I just don’t have the time necessary to dive into things as deeply as I’d like to and still come up with two posts a week. So I’d rather deliver less frequent Skitching the Elephant posts than phoned-in ones. Hopefully that’s reasonable.

Also, great news if you’re broken-hearted about your inability to pledge financial support for this stupid letter I write: there is still a shirt available, with more merch on the way! I’m working on getting some things done like stickers, hats, and mudflaps for commercial 18-wheelers. I’m having a bit of trouble with the logistics of that last one, but the stickers and hats are looking great.

Thank you for understanding. Talk to you soon!  

So is it one of the worst games of all time? 

Probably, yes. Almost certainly.

But you know me, I still kinda like it, and I have one or two thoughts about it.

It’d be easy to make jokes about my loving parents getting me an infamously bad game as a gift, but the truth is they nailed it! There were about eight games total on the system, and one of them starred a Detroit Piston. If I had a seven-year-old son these days and was getting him a PS5 for Christmas and one of the only games available was a basketball game featuring a current Piston doing something video gamey, Jaden Ivey’s Streetball Knife Fight! or something, then I’d probably get that for the little fucker.

Though there were arguably three more famous players (Isiah Thomas, Dennis Rodman, and Joe Dumars)on the infamous team that won two championships in ‘89 and ‘90, Laimbeer’s physical style of play was the attitude of the Bad Boys personified. It wasn’t always pretty, but it’s the sort of thing you think is cool when your guys do it, and get enraged when the other team does it. I was a Pistons fan, so I admired the man a great deal. Bill Laimbeer didn’t invent elbowing his opponents in the face: he just did it so well that he landed a video game deal out of it. 

Oh and by the way, this “Combat Basketball” isn’t your granddaddy’s basketball. This is extreme basketball where shoving is encouraged and there are no fouls as well as a surprising amount of violations intact! 

What I’m getting at is it’s a very specific type of (mostly) lawless bloodbath out there, but the backcourt violation rule is in full order. Ditto for goaltending. It’s like they asked Bill Laimbeer what parts of basketball he liked and which parts he didn’t.

If my theory is true, then I think one day Bill came to the office and said: 

Hey, you know what I’d like to see? A camera directly above the court, and zoomed way in so that players couldn’t possibly see if there were any defenders or teammates in their immediate vicinity. I’m Bill Laimbeer and I think that would be neat!

Also, I think he always wanted to see a little Zamboni-looking vehicle drive out and shoot the ball up in the air for the tip-off, ‘cause that’s in here too! 

In addition to the obtrusive camera angle, the game’s most inexplicable decision is the one that saw every action mapped to a lone button on the SNES controller. That’s right, the B button does everything! Hold B and a direction to pass, do it without holding a direction to shoot. Same on defense, sub passing for shoving and shooting for blocking. It was an interesting decision to assign everything to one button and ignore the others, especially when it was the first system with shoulder buttons. Bill Laimbeer’s Combat Basketball only used one of six buttons. The Native Americans used to do the opposite thing with a buffalo. 

Laimbeer appears in the game alongside a bunch of made-up pricks. It’s like he’s the only one from the NBA of 1991 that survived into this new world. Or maybe he’s their messiah, the man who appeared to teach them everything they needed to know about fouling early and often. The Bill & Ted-like figure in this future filled with people kneeing each other in the groin. 

I know the truth is that this is a game called Combat Basketball that was ported to the SNES and they signed a deal with Bill and stuck him in there. This isn't a game conceived by Laimbeer like I wanted to believe. It’s just another byproduct of Laimbeermania that swept the nation in the early ‘90s, resulting in media such as this video game, and the 6’11” center’s surprise pop collaboration with Paula Abdul, “Four Elbows, Two Hearts.” 

The game takes place in 2031, at least it says that somewhere on the internet and I’d like it to be true. As that year approaches, clearly BLCB’s vision of the future was ultimately far-fetched. The game wasn’t handed over to futuristic street punks and they don’t drive Zambonis on the court to do the tip-off. Physicality remains in the sport, but nothing like the unhinged fighting and shoving that’s seen on display in the game, with the notable exception of Draymond Green. 

Still, the once-proud Detroit Pistons are in the gutter these days. Perpetually rebuilding, they set the record for losses in a row for a basketball team last season. And while I don’t think the NBA is about to usher in a makeover that sees Combat Basketball rules adapted, maybe Detroit should still call Bill up and at least get the boys running some basic elbowing drills or something.

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The game is set inside of a massive, constant riot. Not only ambitious and original, it made total thematic sense following GTAIII with a zoomed-in look at the chaos threatening to infiltrate our consumerist society. Or something. I don’t know. It’s pretty hectic. Everybody’s running all over the damn place.  

Though we were all hoping for something that reminded us of GTA, State of Emergency ultimately is a brawler, having more in common with Double Dragon and Die Hard Arcade than the streets of Liberty City. Sure, there are guns galore, and you can keep beating someone’s corpse well beyond the point that they stop breathing, but the immersion is gone, the world filled with possibilities. Instead, you spend the game’s opening hours running around the same mall, trying to remember where the up and down escalators are. 

Why are you running around the mall all day? That’s because you’ve joined The Resistance against The Corporation, the bluntly named corporation that is enslaving society with its uh, you know, government stuff. Oppression and all that. I don’t think the game ever makes it clear. If it does, it was after 100 or so identical missions, so forgive me if I didn’t get that far. I can only spend so much time at a mall, real or fake, before I feel the urgent need to split and not look back.

The game's opening voiceover makes it clear up front that we’re dealing with a generic tale of near-future dystopia. It’s like The Purge or Civil War, only with constant sprinting on both sides. 

Since the collapse of the federal government and the global economic crisis, The Corporation has been building a brighter future for its citizens based on principles of order, loyalty, and civic obedience. The Corporation has created a nation all citizens can feel proud of.

The opening cutscene shows a man getting bludgeoned in the street while this narration plays. The message is clear; this Corporation is up to no good.

You join the fight against them at the mall one day. The process is a lot like if you wanted to work at an Orange Julius. Just go in there and make a good impression. Unlike the Orange Julius stand that drug tested me one time, The Resistance puts you to work right away, mostly hurting people and escorting allies across the mall safely. At one point you find a list of Corporate informants and you go have conversations with them about why they shouldn’t work with The Corporation.  

Nah, I’m just kidding. You beat them to death! 

There are some missions where you’re trying to catch up with and take on specific rioters. Those are nearly impossible. It’s like bludgeoning a needle in a haystack with a chair you took from the food court. Despite my grumbling, I don’t want to pretend that it wasn’t impressive to boot up the game 20 years ago and see dozens of people rioting. It ruled then and it makes a strong impression now. 

Like most elements of this game, that charm wears off pretty quickly, though. It’s not really a riot, it’s just people running. Every fifth guy has a TV or something over his head. But they’re all just doing laps I think. Remember in The Sandlot, how they just played a single never-ending game of baseball all summer? That’s what the riot is like here. A big Black Friday that goes on forever. Or at least until the mall closes every night. 

By the way, are these stores open? They’re making announcements on the PA, so I guess the mall is still open during all this. Do they close at night? Do elderly people still show up and walk around the mall in the morning? I bet The Resistance lets the walkers take the mall in the mornings. That’d be the decent thing for revolutionaries to do. Then maybe they get in there around noon and start rioting. 

For what it’s worth, there are other levels after the mall, where you’re running around in the city streets and whatnot. For the second time in my life, I lost interest in this game long before I reached any of that stuff. But it’s there if you want it. 

On paper, State of Emergency was an ambitious follow-up to the anarchic style of GTAIII. Upon execution, however, when you remove the exploration, narrative, driving, and atmosphere from Grand Theft Auto, all you have left is running and punching.

I don’t know about you guys, but every time I play a Grand Theft Auto game, they show me how to do hand-to-hand fighting and I get through the tutorial and never do it again. I’ll shoot a guy point-blank with a bazooka and send us both to hell before I box him. 

Rockstar released a lot of games that felt spiritually similar to GTA but innovated and impressed enough to stand on their own: Red Dead Redemption, Bully, Manhunt, The Warriors.

State of Emergency wasn’t one of them.

While it sold well enough to warrant a sequel, the game didn’t leave much lasting impact, certainly not when compared to those others I mentioned.

Returning to Grand Theft Auto shortly after this game worked out just fine for Rockstar, as Vice City and San Andreas remain among the series’ finest achievements. Perhaps lessons learned from SoE influenced the development of those games as Rockstar never again traded depth for ‘tude after this.

State of Emergency offers almost no depth, but perhaps it does deserve a legacy as a game that sprinted its ass off so that future Rockstar games could run.  

The biggest reason for this week’s potentially underwhelming output is that I was asked to return to a job I’d left when I went full-time at Hard Drive a few years ago. It’s a remote job doing closed captioning for TV and movies. I love it. I used to always say that I had quit my second favorite job of all time (captions) to do my favorite job of all time (writing for HD).

Well, the Hard Drive thing all went to shit, and thankfully they took me back at my second favorite job. The fact that they’ve always treated me with respect and paid me on time technically vaults it to my favorite job ever, but I digress. It’s good news, a welcome opportunity to get paid to do something I love (watch awful TV shows and movies). It’s great to be back, and it can be difficult, detail-oriented work, but truthfully I really enjoy when the things that stress me out at my job are stupid things like wondering whether the titular dog from Blue’s Clues is ‘barking’ or ‘squeaking.’ 

Going back to captions after a few years off involved not only retraining but also learning new software that the company switched to while I was away. Doing this remotely proved to be more challenging and time-consuming than I’d anticipated. Between that and a handful of appointments this week, suddenly it was Thursday and I had nothing started for the newsletter. I have a lot of ideas for posts I want to write about, that’s not the issue, but making the time this week was something I fell short on.

Skitching the Elephant isn’t slowing down, I just need to dial in and show some increased discipline. It’ll be ok. I used to try to aim for a free post every Tuesday and a paid one on Friday. If you’re paying attention, first of all, thank you, and second of all, you may have realized that I missed those deadlines a few times recently. I will still aim for those goals, but will also allow myself to publish when things are good and ready.

That said, StE is always going to be (at least) two posts a week. First one’s free (I’m like a drug dealer) and the second one will be exclusive to paid subscribers. I’ve begun work on this week’s paid exclusive, a look back at State of Emergency, Rockstar’s follow-up to Grand Theft Auto III that is set in a 24/7 riot.

Lastly, I just wanted to thank anyone who is reading this. Leaving a successful website that I co-founded and poured my heart and soul into was easy in a lot of ways (you’d understand if you met the owner) but also an understandably difficult decision to reach. Having an outlet to channel my energy and focus on something positive in the aftermath was so much more valuable than I realized it would be. Thank you for reading my dumb bullshit. Talk to you real soon <3   

Geometry Wars began as a game inside a game. It was included in 2003’s Project Gotham Racing 2 as an arcade cabinet your character had in their garage, a little minigame you could play in between races. It garnered a cult following, and a few years later PGR devs Bizarre Creations released Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved on the burgeoning Xbox Live platform. An Easter Egg had hatched into a full-blown game.

Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved was a high-octane twin-stick shooter that paid homage to arcade classics Galaga and Asteroids, with a modern coat of paint that made it pop on our new-fangled HD televisions after we were finished watching Lost. I played it a little bit and admired the backstory and originality of it all, but it didn’t occupy hundreds of hours of my time or anything.

That was the sequel, Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved 2 that did that.

GW:RE2 took the concept of the original and ran in six different directions1, presenting a collection of game modes that all offered a twist on the original. The biggest addition to the core gameplay were Geoms, little green fuckers left behind by dead enemies that added a multiplier to your score. Collecting Geoms was the key to high scores. And being a throwback to the best arcade games of all time meant that the score is all that matters. There is no beating this game, there is only the score.

The game modes are all somewhere between good and incredible. Evolved is essentially the first game, where players try to get the highest score they can before dying three times. Deadline gives players infinite lives and three minutes to rack up a high score. Waves is just what it sounds like, like a mix of Galaga and those Crank movies.

Pacifism is the one for me, though. Brilliant not only in its simplicity but in its rejecting of what makes all the other modes so fun; you can’t shoot anymore. The twin-stick shooter is now an only-child wanderer, and you’re merely tasked with flying around and avoiding enemies, leaving your other hand free to eat, vape, or write newsletters.

There’s one more crucial element to the game. These little gates, which are two triangles connected by a line2 that you can fly through and trigger a little explosion. Those little explosions are your only method of getting kills and staying alive amidst the growing number of enemies that are coming for you. There is no longer a variety of geometric shapes (and the occasional snake) coming for you. It’s just the dumbest enemies in the game, the lowly blue squares.

They’re like zombies, posing little threat on their own, but suddenly you turn around and are outnumbered and start to feel like a lonely little ship in a big scary world. As I mentioned before, these are score-based games, so trying to stay alive and “beat” it is futile. All you can do is try to top your high score. I got a billion one time. It was a Top Three moment in my life. Here’s a video of someone getting 5 billion. It’s cinema.

I got way into playing Pacifism on the Xbox 360 when GW2 came out. It was the kind of game I’d throw on to play for a little bit before I dove into some more proper game, but then I’d look up and it would be three hours later and I’d say, “Well, no sense in booting up Red Dead Redemption this late into the night. Better just play Pacifism for two more hours.” This went on for a long time.

Early on in the Pacifist stage of my life, I adopted the strategy of “Try to be like Barry Sanders out there.” My favorite athlete of all time was not only electric to watch, keeping busted plays alive as the running back for my beloved and woeful Detroit Lions, but he was also quite often on his own out there, as his highlights often prove. This wasn’t a guy running behind an elite squad of blockers, this was a guy that always looked outnumbered and yet would maneuver his way out of certain death-by-tackling again and again.

Here’s one of my favorite clips of him. Look how he blows by #75 on the Cowboys because he thinks the play has ended.

Channeling Barry Sanders gives me the confidence to try wild shit when I play Geometry Wars. Sometimes when I think I’m toast, I fly out of harm’s way like a classic Barry run. It never lasts, and the next wave just comes in stronger, but no other game makes me feel like more of a hotshot than Pacifism.

In that respect, I also feel a little bit like Han Solo during the asteroid belt scene in The Empire Strikes Back. I know the odds are against me, but I have no other recourse. Although, maybe the tragic ending guaranteed to all Geometry Wars runs means that a more apt comparison would be to the doomed characters of Rogue One. There is a space war happening, after all, and pacifism will only get you so far.

Sketching the Elephant T-shirt available here.

Despite the Super Nintendo’s selection of seminal RPGs, platformers, and action games, I used to rent Vegas Stakes and mindlessly play slot machines or roulette for hours on end.

The game’s impressive presentation helped hook me, but I was enthralled by the mere idea of gambling—that you could travel to a magical place like Las Vegas and bet actual money on these games. Vegas Stakes and the movie Casino did a lot to paint Las Vegas as a city like no other, where you could win big or get savagely beaten and buried alive in the desert (that one’s from the Scorsese film).

I realize now, however, that Vegas Stakes was teaching me the rules of several games that I’d one day be able to gamble actual money on from the comfort of home, on the same device I’m typing this newsletter on. Legalized gambling has kicked the doors down in the last few years, no longer relegated to casinos and someone you knew at work who knew a bookie. It’s all out there in the open now.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m a big ol’ asshole, but I think betting your rent on a blackjack hand shouldn’t be as easy as booting up Vegas Stakes and playing make-believe.

But what do I know? I’m a guy that played Vegas Stakes instead of Chrono Trigger.

I wasn’t some Doogie Howser version of Danny Ocean, consumed by seven-card stud and breaking the bank; I just liked video games a lot, and this one got its hooks in me. I rented it again and again.

Vegas Stakes is a masterclass in taking a handful of games that have been around forever and packaging them into something worthwhile, adorning the experience with bells and whistles, manipulating the player’s attention so they don’t immediately realize how hollow the gameplay was. Just like a real casino!

Later systems like the Dreamcast and Nintendo 64 also offered casino games — but without the framing device and attention to detail that Vegas Stakes had, they’re all just generic collections asking players to care about fake money for no reason, never becoming more than the sum of their parts. Though it’s undeniably thin, Vegas Stakes’ story mode gives you a reason to care and keep playing.

A car full of attractive people is heading to Vegas. Never mind how we met or what anybody’s deal is—it’s just happening. It’s like the beginning of Skyrim, but instead of a horse-drawn wagon, it’s a two-door car filled with five people, and, instead of a dragon, it’s the allure of becoming a millionaire that swirls around the air and captivates everyone’s attention.

You check into your hotel, call one of your friends, and hit the town. Vegas Stakes offers four casinos, with a fifth unlocked once you make enough money to be deemed a high roller. This is where the game shines, with each casino giving a different vibe to the proceedings.

My favorite is the Buffalo Head, a honky-tonk joint with some of the most rousing shit-kicking music you’ll hear on the SNES:

The sci-fi Blade Runner-esque casino is another obvious highlight. It’s called The 2020. But no one is wearing a mask or playing Animal Crossing: New Horizons. Time, that cruel bitch, has rendered The 2020 wildly inaccurate, but I do still like the futuristic atmosphere it provides.

The smartest thing Vegas Stakes does is stage interactions between you and other people in the casino, setting up little multiple-choice mini-adventures that keep the gameplay fresh. People will interrupt you once in a while and ask if you recognize them, or if they may kindly clean a stain off of your shirt.

Sometimes it works out. Tell a person you remember them and they might say they owe you their life and give you their winnings from the night. I guess they’re drunk and you kind of pass for their mentor. Easy money!

Often though (as is the case with the shirt wiper) they pickpocket you. There probably wasn’t ever a stain on your shirt. It’s hard to come out on top in the fundamentally unfair world of gambling.

I dabble in sports gambling, ever since it became legal and easy. I put 100 bucks into DraftKings when basketball or football starts, and I ride it into the ground, usually having pissed it all away a few weeks into the season. One day while poking around and figuring out my bets, I realized there was a whole casino section on the website. If I don’t want to wait for tonight’s Pistons game to start, I can easily PayPal myself some chips and play Vegas Stakes, DraftKings-style.

It’s a lot like the video game I played as a kid, except the money is real and no one is coming by to talk to you/possibly hand you more money.

30 years after the game’s release, Vegas is every bit the destination town for gambling portrayed in Vegas Stakes. What’s changed more drastically is the world around it. As gambling infiltrates and instantly corrupts professional sports, I wonder if and when we’ll start to learn about the long-term effects of turning everybody’s desktop computer into a casino terminal.

If you don’t think that’s a dangerous game to play with society, please allow me to wipe that stain off your shirt for you.

Skitching the Elephant shirt available here:

These games take the original's core gameplay and innovate it in a way that makes them feel familiar but fresh. It’s a smart way to continue the legacy of a masterpiece and a strategy that took a while to land on. Because at first, they didn’t know what the fuck to do.

I knew they made Tetris With Words, but until recently I never knew they made Tetris But With Hats. I’ll be damned. If you’re anything like me, you’re going to need a minute to process this. Maybe take a walk or something. Whatever you need.

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Tetris had a pretty good stranglehold on the world shortly after its debut, and with great reason. After playing the game for hours, it was easy to see the objects around you as unsolved Tetris levels, something known as “The Tetris effect.” And while a fantastic game bearing that name was released in 2018, the effect itself was almost instantaneous, as evidenced by this television ad, which requires you to look past the unfortunate Twin Towers-as-Tetris pieces imagery1

A sequel to a game this infectious was inevitable, but it doesn’t seem like anyone knew the best way to do that. 1993’s straight-up sequel Tetris 2 felt like half a Dr. Mario game more than it did a continuation of Tetris. The same is true for the following year’s Dr. Mario & Tetris. Hell, Tetris Attack is the best puzzle game on the Super Nintendo, and possibly ever, but I don’t think of that as a Tetris game. It’s like how Frasier is a Cheers spinoff. You don’t even think about it after a few minutes. It’s just Frasier.

If Tetris Attack is the Frasier of puzzle games, I think Hatris might be the Halloween III: Season of the Witch. Not like anything else before or after in the franchise, but some real sickos (like me) think it’s been unfairly overshadowed. It’s actually pretty fun—who cares if you don’t recognize anything in it!?

Before you ask, the hats aren’t in all kinds of funny shapes or anything. Oh sure, some are taller than others, but that’s kind of it. Ball cap, cowboy hat, a Game Boy-exclusive sombrero, but nothing as iconic as the long boy from classic Tetris or anything.

The goal is to stack up five hats of a similar kind and to not let the wrong hats fuck up your stacks before that happens. It’s like Tetris in the sense that your best-laid plans can all go to shit after one misplaced piece, or if the accelerating pace of the game becomes too much to keep up with.

It is unlike Tetris in the sense that there are a bunch of hats.

Honestly, the game isn’t bad at all. I find it much more playable than the very similar Yoshi, which I always wanted to like more than I did. It’s definitely better than the aforementioned Tetris 2. With the exception of the Adventures of Lolo trilogy, it probably has more personality than any other puzzle game of the NES era.

Is it better than Tetris? I sure don’t think so, but this guy from Entertainment Weekly did in 1991:

I’m kind of an idiot, but man this hat stuff just tickles me. Look up any description of this game and try not to laugh. Here’s another one from GameFAQs that cracked me up: 

“Remember Tetris? The way those cubes kept coming at you? That was tricky enough, but what if they were half a dozen different hats instead?”

I don’t know, man. That’d be crazy!

It should be pointed out that Hatris’ advertisements sure did their best to make the bizarre and pedestrian task of matching up similar hats seem compelling. This one in particular deserves an ‘A’ for trying to make the hat thing exciting.

This poor child is having no fun at all. And I don’t blame him, he’s got a bit of a situation on his hands. If he somehow survives this avalanche of hats he’s gonna be stuck with the problem of making them all disappear. Good grief!

On its own, this ad is funny and absurd, but I can’t imagine it being inside of a 200-page issue of GamePro and standing out amongst all of the in-your-face advertising and screenshots of games featuring things that are more exciting than hats. On one page you have Earthworm Jim pointing a gun at you, on the next page Sweet Tooth is shooting missiles at cars on the White House lawn, and then you turn the page and see this kid bracing for the light dusting of a half dozen hats.

Tetris has splintered out into many successful modern forms, all innovative but retaining the classic lines-and-shapes-based Tetris gameplay that made the original a legend. From battle royale games to inspired team-ups with other series to meditative experiences, the series wears a lot of hats these days.

I bet it never puts them back in the game again, though.

A Skitching the Elephant shirt is available here! Really should’ve had a hat ready for today’s post, huh? Damn. Coming soon!

I played hockey for a few years when I was a kid. Being from a tiny town without a lot going on meant I played on house teams at the Saginaw Bay Ice Arena in Saginaw, Michigan. Ultimately it didn’t take, but I have fond memories of going to other ice arenas in the area, playing hockey, and then checking out what arcade games said ice arenas had.

After a while, I realized I could cut all the other stuff out entirely and just play video games at home. So I retired from hockey at 14, two years into my career, and began focusing on research for Skitching the Elephant, a newsletter I would start 25 years later. 

Most of the arenas I played in had somewhere between two to five arcade cabinets in their lobbies, an obvious ploy to keep kids busy and separate them from some of their money. I’m sure when the folks at my old stomping ground ordered a cabinet called Hit the Ice, they were certain that the hockey game would’ve been the hot ticket. They were mistaken, however, as it was no match for the three-player Ivan “Iron Man” Stewart’s Off-Road. Maybe the last thing kids wanted was to play video hockey right before or after their actual hockey game. Or maybe Ivan “Ironman” Stewart’s Off-Road just shreds. I think it’s the latter. 

One day while exploring some foreign venue for the first time, I saw a rare sight: an arcade game I wasn’t familiar with. It’s not that I knew every arcade game in the world, it’s just that the handful to be found at these places rarely offered anything that new or obscure to me. Until that day.

What I discovered was 1984’s Tapper, and in hindsight, it’s no wonder it made such an impression on me. It’s like nothing else before or after it. 

The game itself is fun and frantic, putting players in control of a bartender as he runs around between different parts of his establishment trying to keep all his thirsty customers happy. They inch down the bar towards their bartender, ready to strangle him for a glass of suds if they have to. Only a cold one will make them retreat, and you have to work the whole screen to make sure you keep everything in order. It’s like Missile Command with drunk people. 

The premise and gameplay are great, but that’s not what drew me in initially. What commanded my attention upon first glance was the damn beer tap sticking out of the game where the buttons should be. Holy hell. Years before my stint as a bartender, the first beer I ever poured was in a Budweiser-branded arcade machine. It’s ridiculous and innovative and creative and everything silly that I love about video games. 

The loop of Tapper is simple: move around, pour a beer, and slide that bad boy down the bar. Move, pour, slide, repeat. A joystick and a beer tap were all you needed, and the simple controls were perfectly intuitive.

The originality extended to the rest of its cabinet design as well. This thing is a work of art. Wood grain, a brass rail on the bottom, hell, they even had cup holders! The game itself served as sort of a little bar if you wanted it to. It was like an earlier version of Kramer’s coffee table book about coffee tables that turned into a little coffee table. 

Despite the strong impression it made, I played Tapper and promptly forgot all about it for a long time. Years later, I saw it on some retro collection, except now it had been rebranded Root Beer Tapper. Boooo.

I didn’t need research to know what happened—Tapper was just too cool for parents of the ‘80s to handle. So the beer in the game went the way of Joe Camel, Spuds MacKenzie, and every other kid-friendly advertisement that didn’t survive the era.  

Sure, the gameplay is fundamentally unchanged—you’re just slinging root beers now and the Budweiser branding is no longer everywhere. It’s all just make-believe, so how much difference does it make? When you look at how the game had to be marketed afterward, it clearly made plenty. 

The game now had to roll with the pretense that these bars were full of punk rockers and rowdy sports fans freaking out over not getting enough soda. It played the same, but the spirit was all different. 

For example, there’s still wood grain on the Root Beer Tapper machines, but it looks and feels like bullshit now. It’s the equivalent of finding some seemingly Irish pub named Flanny O’Connors and then realizing it’s corporately backed and merely pretending to be an authentic dive bar. There’s no brass rail on the updated Root Beer Tapper machines, no cup/ashtray holders, and no soul whatsoever. 

It’s kind of a minor thing, and really who cares, but I think the next time Tapper gets rounded up and released on some retro collection, they could include the version with beer and no one would notice, let alone freak out.

You could probably get away with a bartending game these days, right?

What’s that? There are several? Damn. Has it gone further than that?

Tapper, like me, turns 40 later this year. I know I’m gonna have a bunch of beers. I think the little men and women inside the video game should enjoy the same privilege. 

Skitching the Elephant shirt available here!

Did you know that none of the wrestlers that “work” for WWE actually work for WWE? They’re independent contractors. Of course they’re well paid, but they also receive no health insurance or benefits, and have to book and pay for their own travel and hotels. This comes with the gig, and it’s been that way for ages so everyone knows the deal when they sign up, but that doesn’t make me feel any better about it. 

Wrestling attracts workers of all kinds—clowns, repo men, tugboat captains. I have to wonder if they weren’t better off staying at their old jobs when it was all said and done in a lot of cases. Doink the Clown still would have gotten to see the world, but I think the circus takes care of their people a little better.

Here are 11 wrestlers that probably should’ve kept their pre-wrestling careers instead of risking it all to get kicked in the head by Hulk Hogan throughout their 20’s and 30’s. 

I.R.S.

Median Accountant Salary - $78,000

Irwin R. Schyster was a tariff enthusiast who really wanted everyone to pay their taxes on time. He would come to the ring and yell at all of the tax cheats in the crowd and warn them that they weren’t going to get away with it.

He’s certainly not everyone’s idea of a good accountant, but I think I’d like having a guy that will remember important dates and stuff like that. If I.R.S. was my tax guy, I feel like he’d show up on April 1st and put a boot up my ass if I hadn’t sent him anything over yet. Boots up the ass hurt, sure, but not as much as an audit. 

I feel bad that WrestleMania season and tax time were always in April for I.R.S.’ whole career. He could’ve been a two-sport wonder like Bo Jackson or Deion Sanders if only they’d been spaced out a little bit. 

Big Boss Man

Median Salary of Security Guard - $31,000

Hard to say exactly what line of work the Big Boss Man left behind to go fight men on tour for a living. He went from looking like a mall security guard at the beginning of his career to more of a hired bodyguard type at the end there.

All potentially dangerous lines of work, sure, but odds are greater out there on the streets (or in the mall) that no Undertakers are going to hang you from a Hell in a Cell. That only happens in one job, and it’s professional wrestling. 

The Undertaker

Median Salary of Funeral Director - $52,000

Speaking of The Undertaker, his legendary run in the federation probably means he doesn’t really belong on this list, but oh well. He definitely eclipsed the traditional undertaker’s salary over the course of his 30-year career. Along the way he also shined a bigger light on his trade than anyone in popular culture before or since.

Regardless of whether he found success in the squared circle, I’m not sure The Undertaker would’ve excelled at the more delicate parts of the undertaking business, namely funeral directing. It’s hard to imagine this behemoth greeting you and your grieving family as you attend the wake of a loved one. Oh, there’s coffee in the back? That’s great. Are you going to hurt me?

Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake

Median Barber Salary - $34,000

Being a barber isn’t that glamorous, especially when you’re real life buddies with Hulk Hogan. Why spend your days at the barbershop, apparently cutting hair with gardening shears, when you could piggyback on some of the most notable feuds of the late ‘80s every time The Hulkster needed a tag team partner?

As we all know, with fame and glamour come inevitable parasailing accidents that almost cost you your career. So, I don’t know. Maybe a professional life spent sweeping up a Borics would’ve been less thrilling, but it assuredly would’ve been a lot less painful.

The Mountie

Median Canadian Mountie Salary - $65,000 

The Mountie was always in the outfit, yet hardly ever in Canada. I’ll take it on good faith that he was an actual Mountie and not doing stolen valor.

Enforcing crime in Canada is relatively easy, right? To trade that in for a life of getting worked over by top card talent is puzzling to me. The Mountie must have hated the cold weather, and a prick like him probably loved the excuse to shock people with a cattle prod whenever he felt like it.

Most people would probably prefer a quiet Canadian life of service, but The Mountie wasn’t most people, I suppose. That sick fuck.

Duke “The Dumpster” Droese

Median Garbageman Salary - $27,000

This guy was a garbageman before stepping into the squared circle. It’s honest work, and you get nights off. In wrestling, they just take your garbage can away and hit you over the head with it. And you have to work nights. 

Skinner

Median Salary for Bayou Man - N/A

I’m not sure what Skinner’s job necessarily was, so I can’t look up the salary. But I do know he was a man of the Bayou. Gators, knives, chewing tobacco, you get it. There’s just no way this guy had fun running Canadian house show loops and playing locker room politics with Shawn Michaels and Triple H. 

Plus, even if he enjoyed the environment, he seemed determined to skin his opponents alive like the gators he hunted, hence the name Skinner. Everyone involved in Skinner’s run is lucky this didn’t turn out worse. 

“Birdman” Koko B. Ware

Median Salary For Bird Man - N/A

Similar to being an alligator skinner from the bayou, it’s tough to find an average salary for being a “bird man,” but Koko was one of a kind. Instead of jeopardizing both his health and the well-being of the rare exotic birds he’d bring down to the ring, Koko could’ve probably trained birds or even been a guy that puts on a show at an amusement park or something. 

I went to the Desert Museum in Tucson, Arizona once, and they had these bird experts that summoned the birds and made them fly right over the crowd’s head and stuff like that. It was awesome, and I’m sure Koko could’ve gotten into that industry if he’d wanted to.

As I recall, none of the people at the Desert Museum looked like they were tough enough to handle things if someone got out of hand or started heckling one of the birds. Try that shit with Koko around.  

The Goon

Median Salary For Pro/Semi-Pro Hockey Player - $125,000

Plenty of former athletes have crossed over into professional wrestling, most often from football or, you know, wrestling, but hockey makes a lot of sense as well. Bloody matches settled with physical prowess and just the right amount of grace, hockey and pro wrestling have many things in common.

The Goon could’ve been the next Roman Reigns or Brock Lesnar, but they made him leave his skates on, and the poor bastard never stood a chance out there. 

(By the way, I’m aware that kids have made the word “goon,” into some jerk off thing, but I can’t keep up with that stuff. But just for what it’s worth, this was a hockey player, not a serial self-pleasurer.)

Demolition

Median Salary of S&M Duo - Hard to say

These two sex workers came of age in a more buttoned down era, so they had to moonlight as one of the greatest tag teams of all time. No disrespect to their legacy, as they were a fantastic duo that are still talked about today, but I don’t think beating up The Bushwhackers is what these guys were all about.

Gobbledy Gooker

Median Salary of Huge Turkey - N/A

When they revealed what was in that stupid mystery egg they’d kept hyping up before Survivor Series 1990 and it was just some turkey, it went down as an infamously bad wrestling segment. The Gobbledy Gooker went down to the ring and danced around with interviewer “Mean” Gene Okerlund, and a pre-internet wrestling meme was born.

They sell shirts with the Gooker now and have trotted him out once or twice in an effort to seem in on the joke all these years later. But everyone hated that reveal in the moment, and the Gobbledy Gooker never got the chance to show the WWE Universe what kind of wrestling skills he had. Poor guy should’ve stayed in the egg. 

As a child, I took Beavis and Butthead at surface level. At some point, I became vaguely aware that Mike Judge’s creation was considered some great satire, skewering the kids of today and all that. But I was a Kid of That Day, and I genuinely identified with them. A lot of stuff did suck, and a handful of other things were pretty cool. Beavis and Butthead spoke to me. 

Their monosyllabic refusal to comply with the rules of work, school, and society in general was relatable and inspiring. To dorks my age, Beavis and Butthead are iconic figures—hilarious, violent, and heroic. My generation’s Cheech & Chong, Tom & Jerry, and Batman & Robin all rolled into one.

For years, I thought Beavis and Butthead’s video game library consisted of a single game that was ported to a few different systems. And while that release certainly constitutes the backbone of their video game catalog, I’ve discovered a little more that’s worth talking about, including a few games that were close to being released before ultimately being shelved.  

I’m going to focus on console releases and the canceled coin-op arcade game, as there are several PC adventure games I’ve yet to play. Sure, I could’ve researched them on the fly, but I am adamant about giving Beavis and Butthead: Bunghole in One the fair shake it deserves one day. I’m sure you understand. 

Beavis and Butthead (1994)

SNES/Genesis

I used to rent the SNES version of this game periodically because I’d assumed it was the superior of the two. But I recently discovered the Sega Genesis version’s graphics and gameplay are actually much better. I know I say this a lot in this newsletter, but I’ve been living a goddamn lie. 

Overall, the games share more similarities than differences, but the story has a variation that always puzzled me. Both games are set into motion by Beavis and Butthead seeing a commercial for an upcoming GWAR concert they desperately want to attend. (GWAR is a science fiction heavy metal band that wears big costumes and simulates violence against popular celebrities during their live shows. Everyone loves GWAR1) 

In each version of the game, the boys take a different course of action to get to the show.  

In the SNES version, Butthead comes up with the idea that if they did a bunch of “cool” shit all over Highland (their hometown) and took pictures of it, GWAR would be so impressed that they’d have to let them into the concert for free. It’s a terrible idea, but the fact that they think it could work feels true to the characters. 

In the superior Sega Genesis version, our heroes score tickets, but Tom Anderson runs them over with his lawn mower, sending the shreds all over Highland. The levels are the same, but the boys are tasked with putting their tickets back together instead of causing photogenic chaos.

There’s a neat feature exclusive to the SNES version where, at the end of each level, after you’ve beaten up an adult, Beavis and Butthead pose for the picture to show GWAR. Players are given a minute to adjust their eyes and mouths to make the photo to their liking. It’s a hoot.

This is a really clever little part of the game. In fact, Beavis and Butthead is a mediocre video game with a lot of fun little bits added on top of it. I like that you do very Beavis and Butthead-type things, but sadly, they’re spaced out over levels that should be much shorter. 

In the mall level, for example, you bounce on pogo sticks, hit security guards with boxing gloves stuck on the end of a baseball bat, push each other in shopping carts while shooting enemies with a water gun, and you can even play a game called Butt Fighter in the arcade if you’ve discovered a quarter along the way. 

But sadly, a lot of the memorable moments are just that—breaks from a repetitive and overly difficult game. The levels are too long, and there’s too much stuff going on in them. Stuff sucks. 

But still, find me a video game ending more memorable than getting onstage with GWAR, and I’ll say, "Oh, that’s cool. Did you know at the end of the Beavis and Butthead game you get onstage with GWAR?” I mean, look at this shit. Diddy Kong would never.

MTV didn’t play GWAR very much, at least not that I could ever tell. Maybe on 120 Minutes or Headbanger’s Ball on occasion, but I watched a lot of MTV and had no idea who they were. Despite being on MTV, Beavis and Butthead did a good job of making sure future burnouts like me were aware that most of the channel’s output sucked, and they oughta play more videos where people destroy things. This game hipped me up to GWAR, and for that, I am genuinely thankful.

Verdict: Rocks more than it Sucks 

Game Gear

As you might expect, the Game Gear version is severely stripped-down and doesn’t leave a lot of positives behind. There’s no framing device to speak of whatsoever, and it’s all much, much harder than it is fun. However, I think it’s the only one that shows you Beavis and Butthead while they’re on the toilet. So that’s probably worth something here. 

Verdict: Sucks more than it rocks

Beavis and Butthead (1998)

Beavis and Butthead on the Game Boy surprised me. For years, I was vaguely aware of its existence, but I assumed it was just a worse version of the SNES and Genesis games. It’s not a crazy assumption based on how video games worked in that era, but I was dumb and wrong. This game is no masterpiece, but it is a fresh Beavis and Butthead game that shows promise before losing its charm. 

The game has an entirely different plot and a reasonably different style. The story eventually lands on the fellas trying to impress Todd and join his gang. The first few levels have you controlling Beavis around his school, in a top-down perspective that invites more exploration than the side-scrolling games from four years prior. 

Beavis opens lockers, rummages around the teacher’s lounge, and even avoids dodgeballs Mr. Buzzcut throws at him in the gym. There are entertaining diversions which are a welcome break from the monotony on display in the other B&B games. A tennis instructor asks you to run around and collect 10 tennis balls before you can advance. Stuff like that. It’s great running around as Beavis and seeing what kind of trouble or interaction you might trigger. The graphics are fairly underwhelming, but I do quite like the art in the dialogue screens.

Sadly, after a few levels of roaming around, Beavis finds himself in the sewer, and it’s time for a generic and overly complicated bit of primitive side-scrolling. The graphics are worse, and suddenly, instead of bumping into familiar characters from the show, you’re jumping over Beavis-sized rats and taking damage from bugs. It’s too bad, as the first few segments are surprisingly fun.

In the end, this game’s plot is probably closest to an episode of the show. There are no GWAR concerts or trips across the country, just Beavis and Butthead trying to impress Todd by springing him out of jail. Their plan works, and Todd rewards them by kicking their ass for getting him locked up in the first place. The game ends with our heroes on the couch, ruminating about how getting beaten up sucks and considering maybe starting their own gang.

Game Boy’s Beavis and Butthead starts with a lot of promise, but it wears off–like when they used to watch a minute of a music video before changing the channel.

Verdict: Rocks until it Sucks

Canceled Beavis and Butthead Arcade Game (1996)

Atari came about as close as they possibly could to releasing this game before ultimately deciding against it. This is unfortunate, as a multiplayer Beavis and Butthead arcade game on par with classics like The Simpsons and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is the stuff of people-about-to-turn-40’s dreams. It’s a shame that this animated classic didn’t get to flourish in the arcade alongside some of its contemporaries. 

Luckily, it lives on in the form of a handful of prototype cabinets that contain the mostly-finished game. It’s been reported that MTV auctioned off roughly a dozen before the game was nixed, obviously making them a rare and collectible memento. A few of the prototypes are scattered around the West Coast, and one is owned by the Galloping Ghost Arcade in Chicago. 

The game looks like it would’ve been at least adequate, especially for the genre. 

A welcome change of pace from the other Beavis and Butthead games, it’s not set across different parts of Highland. Instead, it sees the boys get sucked into their TV, causing them to brawl through levels with themes like the Wild West and Las Vegas. The boxing glove tacked on the end of a baseball bat appears here again, as well as other weapons like whips and Flying V guitars. 

In addition to great graphics, animation, and sound, it also offered a twist on the beat ‘em up gameplay, positioning the camera behind the characters. Instead of walking to the right all the time you’re walking, uh, like, up I guess. 

Here’s some footage of it:

Verdict: Likely rules, but it sucks that I don’t know 

Beavis and Butthead Do Hollywood (in development for PlayStation 1998-1999)

It’s tempting to look at canceled games like this and wonder about what could’ve been, but my gut tells me this was going to be bad like an NES Simpsons game or an N64 South Park game. Maybe I’m being cynical, but Beavis and Butthead in 3D is no good. It’s an idea for a game from an era where every single series was fucking around in primitive 3D. Tetris, Castlevania, Mega Man, Frogger, it didn’t matter. They needed big chunky polygons. 

This game (in which Beavis and Butthead take on different jobs across Tinseltown) was advertised in magazines like EGM and Game Informer, but ultimately fizzled out after the publisher stopped paying the developer. 

Sure, there’s a chance this game could’ve risen above its awkward graphics, but there’s an equal chance it would’ve been as fun as Paperboy 64, a game I wish I’d made up just for that joke. 

Verdict: Probably would’ve sucked 

That’s all, folks! Thanks for reading as always. Reminder that the first Skitching the Elephant shirt is now available here. Hope you have a great weekend!

I’m not talking about that game today, though. No, I’m gonna talk about the two games based on the rock group Journey that came out in the early ‘80s. Those games packed no emotional punches and won zero awards, but if you’re looking for titles with digitized versions of Journey songs that task you with running away from love-crazed groupies—well, I think you might be surprised by which titles hold up better. 

I’ve always had a bit of a soft spot for Journey. I'm aware that their pretentious, stadium-ready brand of rock was the exact sort of thing that many of my favorite punk bands were lashing out against, but I can’t help it. I’m a complicated person. 

My friend Jeff and I used to have a Journey DVD that contained a bunch of their videos, and we’d always throw it on for a laugh when we had people over. Was it an ironic enjoyment? I don’t know, sort of. The videos are completely ridiculous, but you know what? I sincerely like a lot of their songs. So, it’s a bit of both. I don’t care. 

For example, I think “Faithfully” is a pretty good ballad, able to tug on one or two of my heartstrings if it catches me on the right day, as Steve Perry tunefully and achingly sings about the empty side of life on the road. 

But also, there’s a shot in the video in which Perry, having covered his mustache in shaving cream, thinks long and hard about shaving it. It’s hilarious and undoes the previous two minutes’ worth of contemplative lyrics and forlorn footage of life on the road. Was this guy singing about a mustache the whole time?

That’s what I like about Journey. The commitment to their sincere brand of cheesy rock is commendable, and beneath the surface, there is a lot of fun to be had, you just have to supply it yourself. They’re too busy singing their hearts out about a big wheel in the sky or some shit. I don’t know. 

Before they supplied the best needle drop in television history, Journey also crossed over into video games a few times, while both the band and the medium were peaking. Within two years, an arcade game, Journey, and a game for home consoles, Journey Escape, were released. 

1982 saw Journey Escape, named after the Escape album that would be the band’s biggest, released for the Atari 2600. It doesn't make a lot of sense. You run around and stuff goes whizzing by you, some good, some bad. Luckily, the instruction manual provides some helpful information, like what the band’s groupies and rogue photographers look like. 

Journey Escape is incomprehensible—a bunch of levitating graphics that threaten to become a game, but never quite do. Maybe I’m showing my ass here, but as much as I appreciate old video games, a lot of this old Atari stuff just feels floaty and unfinished to me. Honestly, skip the game and watch this commercial, which provides infinitely more entertainment and contains absolutely no sound mixing.

The Journey arcade game provides a fuller experience. By that I mean you get to control each member of the band in their own level, each featuring a different Journey song! While it’s impossible to imagine people choosing this game over Dragon’s Lair and Elevator Action, I assume it would have outgrossed any Hall & Oates or J Geils Band arcade game, had they existed. 

The game starts with a nice rendition of “Lights” playing, while all five band members board their scarab/UFO/spaceship/van thing. From there, players choose one of five minigames—each starring a member of the band trying to get their hands on their instruments, and then slaying some enemies with their rocking afterwards. The whole affair feels like one of those shitty Simpsons games that were a hodgepodge of underwhelming minigames, with a few highlights along the way. 

So as not to be too negative, I will mention the few things I really liked about this game. The soundtrack is a blast, of course. I dug the art style, too. It looks like South Park now, but I think the cut-and-paste graphics were a fun way to portray the band on early arcade hardware. 

This is a minor detail, but I also really like that the rest of the band watches on from the UFO when you play a level. The whole thing doesn’t feel like some life-or-death affair, just the guys in Journey hangin’ out and rooting each other on. Good vibes. Sadly, the games themselves are kind of clunkers. A quick rundown: 

Steve Smith - Drummer 

(Song: “Wheel in the Sky”) 

Steve’s on a bad acid trip and bouncing around on a bunch of drums like they’re trampolines. The goal is to jump off of each drum once. Drums disappear after being struck twice, so timing and quick strategy come into play here. This is easily one of the better games, and I prefer the floaty jumping bits to the stiffer platform-type stuff.

After you successfully touch each drum, you get behind the kid and avoid waves of enemies in an appropriate timing-based game. Gambling on whether you have a window of time long enough to dash across the finish line is a pleasant surprise in a silly-ass Journey game. Steve Smith might have been the least popular Steve in the group, but his game might be the best one here, complete with the best song on the soundtrack. 

Ross Valory - Bass 

(Song: “Keep on Runnin’”) 

A weird timing/jumping game gives way to a hectic Space Invaders-type free-for-all in one of the less inspired minigames. Appropriately, the song “Keep on Runnin’” was never released as a single, and is a pretty forgettable Journey tune. As far as I can tell, it’s Steve Perry singing about how much he wants to run on a Friday night. That guy had so much energy. A lot of rock stars were into booze, pills, and cocaine. Steve Perry just got excited and ran around.

Sorry, Ross, I ended up talking about the singer. I bet bass players hate that. 

Steve Perry - Vocals 

(Song: “Don’t Stop Believin’”)

Speaking of Steve Perry, in his game, you must guide the vocalist through a series of glowing gates to retrieve his microphone. Once you do, the damn thing becomes a blaster, and Steve’s gotta fire his way back to the top of the screen as enemies descend upon you.

It’s like Centipede, if you were trying to advance to the top of the screen, and “Don’t Stop Believin’” was playing the whole time. 

Jonathan Cain - Keyboard 

(Song: “Stone in Love”) 

Johnny’s gotta run down some slanted platforms to get to his keyboard at the bottom of the screen. It’s essentially an inverted Donkey Kong. I don’t have the dates and research to prove it, but I think a lot of this game’s ideas came down to twists on pre-existing games. Ah, well. It’s rock and roll—everyone steals from everyone. 

Neal Schon - Guitar 

(Song: “Chain Reaction”) 

While everyone else is running and jumping, Neal’s guitar is stuck at the bottom of a fucking cave and he’s got to use his jet pack to get down there and fetch it. On the way back up, enemies start shooting at you. The song choice is boring, but the propulsion controls are actually quite solid and have a great feel to them. 

After you reunite the band with their gear, a hilarious ending game sees you working as a sloppy security guard during a Journey concert. Mind three doors at once, Tapper-style, to make sure the band's ravenous fans don’t get into the little doors at the bottom of the stage. Because if they do, the fans mob Journey, steal their instruments, and force them to scatter, starting the game over at a higher difficulty. 

While many arcade games of this era lack a definitive ending, the endless loop feels like an apt metaphor for what life in Journey must have felt like in 1983, eight albums in, and just a few years from the implosion of their original lineup and a decade-long hiatus. 

Journey the Band the Arcade Game isn’t earth-shattering, but I think it extends beyond being merely a novelty, and is a cool half-game/half-celebration of Journey. I wouldn’t hate it if there were more games like this for me to discover. Not about Journey necessarily, but video games geared around other bands, and not in a Guitar Hero way. 

There are a couple more that I can think of. There was Revolution X, a dystopian Aerosmith game that’s too weird for me not to cover someday. And later this week, for paid Skitching the Elephant subscribers, I’ll pay tribute to the video game that introduced me to GWAR: a band that you would never confuse for Journey, but who may be just as theatrical.  

Until then, don’t stop be-

Don’t forget, the first piece of Skitching the Elephant merchandise is now available!

While releasing the ‘Switch 2’ feels like a no-brainer, Nintendo isn’t known for adhering to popular trends. The Switch was a runaway hit despite its general lack of features that have become standard on Xbox and PlayStation, like 4K resolution, achievements, or an online friend system.

Sure, Nintendo could take an easy layup with their next console and include these now-standard features (maybe a bigger screen or something) and probably sell a boatload of units. But a more unconventional move wouldn’t be out of character.

In addition to being unorthodox, Nintendo is notoriously litigious. But I wonder if that is a byproduct of a more dominant trait: they’re incapable of letting anything go. They shut down fan-made games that use their IP or emulators that enable players to download Nintendo games with a swift vengeance. That same unrelenting intensity is on display when the company obsessively tries iterations of an idea until they get it right. 

That’s why Nintendo should shock the world and announce a follow-up to the Virtual Boy, the 1995 console that suffered for being a bit ahead of its time. Also, it was too expensive and everything was red and black, like a three-dimensional Game Boy or Apple IIe game. Needless to say, it was a disaster and nobody bought it1. 

Nintendo could call this new system I’ve just made up the Virtual Boy 2, but it’d be wise to wipe the slate clean and indicate they're taking a more mature approach this time. Call it the Virtual Dude. Oh, but then it’s VD for short. No, I don’t know. There’s a better name than Virtual Dude. Regardless, the important thing here is that Nintendo shows it's learned from its previous mistakes.

While the ‘90s were spent telling the world that virtual reality and some vague all-encompassing technological boom were happening soon, a lot of the available gadgets fell way short of the tech on display in movies like The Lawnmower Man and Johnny Mnemonic.

For example, the Virtual Boy wasn’t so much a VR headset as it was a whole rig you had to set up, complete with a tripod. Then you stuck your whole face in what felt like a giant Viewmaster. While certainly achieving some sliver of immersive 3D gaming, the hassle and red-and-blackness of it all meant it failed to make much impact. Gamers were promised virtual reality and received a $180 headache they could play around in.

Not only was it pretty shitty, but Nintendo also undeniably jumped the gun a little bit on offering a home virtual reality setup. The demand and technology clearly weren’t there yet. These days, however, there are a couple different underwhelming VR experiences consumers can choose from. Nintendo could dive right into that market. 

The Meta Quest seems to be fine, but the PSVR and Apple Vision Pro have failed to move the needle very much. The PSVR is on its second try and doesn’t have much to offer besides ports of non-VR games2. The Vision Pro is brand new, so we’ll see, but I'm skeptical that putting on scuba gear to check your texts is going to take off, certainly at its current $3,400 price point.

This would be a great time for Nintendo to swoop in and surprise the world with a new VR headset. And as much as I’m kidding around, Nintendo is known to settle unfinished scores. Not just with fan-made projects, but sometimes their own ill-advised forays into hardware.

The motion-based Nintendo Wii was a runaway success for the company. But as innovative as it was, the system was kind of a glorified do-over of the inexplicable U-Force, a bizarre accessory Nintendo sold for the NES that purported to let you control games with the motion of your hands, some 17 years before Wii Sports made bowlers of us all.

I never had one of these, but there’s almost no way it worked. For one, look at it. Secondly, our household briefly had a Power Glove (probably the most infamous weird Nintendo accessory) when it was released, and promptly returned it after hooking it up and realizing there was no fucking way you could play a video game with it. The Power Glove actually had buttons, which is more than you can say for the U-Force. That thing must have been an absolute nightmare to use. Plus, it looks like you make planes fly by doing a jack-off motion. 

It’s easy to forget that upon its release, the Switch essentially felt like a do-over of the underwhelming Wii U. Or, if not a do-over, at least a system that worked like we thought the Wii U might and with a name that was far, far less stupid.

Maybe Nintendo is less innovative than we realize and just secretly obsessed with getting every clunky idea they ever had right. This could also explain last year’s Super Mario Bros Movie, which actually felt like the games. 

(VERY IMPORTANT SIDEBAR: I love Super Mario Bros., but it’s way more Mad Max than Super Mario. You should absolutely watch it if you haven’t. Do it for Mojo Nixon, who, sadly, just passed away. Casting him as Toad despite his filthy, filthy mouth is one of history’s all-time great decisions.)

And if Nintendo isn’t up to the challenge of bringing the Virtual Boy back all by themselves3, perhaps they could get some help from Sega. Once console rivals in the ‘90s, the Sonic guys have since pivoted to developing games, and the once unfathomable Nintendo/Sega collaboration is pretty common now. 

Why Sega? While they never dabbled in virtual reality, they did introduce the Sega Activator back in 1993. It was a peripheral that looked like an octagonal train track that players stood inside of and flailed, with the promise of those moves being translated into the game being played. It didn’t work at all, of course, but the Activator did have players rearranging furniture to make a safe perimeter in which to play. In a way, this was a more accurate precursor to current VR products than the Virtual Boy ever was.

Nintendo is nothing if not unpredictable. I don’t really think they’ll put out a new Virtual Boy, but it wouldn’t be out of character if they shocked us all with their next hardware announcement. Don’t be surprised if the Switch 2 has 4K capabilities, more storage, and backward compatibility—but also something weird, like you have to be outside while you play it. There may also be a glove involved of some sort. You heard it here first.

If you read this, that means you’re a paying subscriber. Thank you so much for keeping this publication chugging along! It means an awful lot to me.

I’m excited to announce that we have a shirt available now! No pressure, of course, but it’s here if you want it. The logo was designed by my wife Taylor, who also edits these posts before I unleash them. She’s the secret weapon of Skitching the Elephant. 

Hope you have a great weekend. Play Balatro! 

3

To be perfectly fair, they did put out a VR set with the Labo stuff a few years ago, but it was made out of cardboard. They might need some help with a real one.

Did you know there used to be a better way? That Madden used to have to compete with something, anything, in order to sell copies? Before EA murdered its competition?

Not long ago, there  were a myriad of games representing each of the major team sports released every year. On the Nintendo 64 alone there were Madden, NFL Quarterback Club, and NFL Blitz, while basketball was (poorly) represented by NBA Hangtime, NBA Courtside, NBA Jam, NBA Live, and NBA In the Zone. 

Now we get a 2K basketball game and a Madden football game every year and that’s that. What happened? 

The poetic truth is that nothing good can last, certainly not when corporations and profit margins are involved. The literal and obvious truth is that EA are fuckers1. Plain and simple.

While Madden is synonymous with football games today, there wasn’t necessarily a clear cut winner back in the earlier eras of console gaming. Tecmo was king for a minute, and then the aforementioned group of NFL games (plus NCAA) jockeyed for position for years. There was plenty to go around. 

Eventually, and who could have seen this coming, the games got good. Really good. Specifically the 2K series, which hit the scene in 1999 with basketball and football iterations (NBA2K and NFL2K) that amassed very favorable reviews. In fact, NFL2K1 has the 14th highest all-time ranking on Metacritic, ahead of Resident Evil 4, Half-Life 2, and Baldur’s Gate 3. 

Not content with merely releasing some of the most highly regarded games of their era, ESPN did something crazy in 2005 and released ESPN2K5 on the PlayStation 2 and XBox for 20 bucks a pop. I remember leaving Meijer2 feeling like I’d just stolen a copy of Bonestorm, but I hadn’t. I’d bought the best sports game ever made for roughly the cost of 500,000 coins in Madden Ultimate Team mode these days3. 

Whoa, Mark. ‘Best sports game ever’?