11 Wrestlers That Should’ve Kept Their Previous Careers
Well, the test results are in. I’ve got WrestleMania fever. Not sure if I caught it at the grocery store or I’m just excited that the egomaniacal sex pest that has been the most powerful man in the wrestling business for decades is out of the industry. Either way, I’m gonna take a break from video games and do a wrestling post today.
Did you know that none of the wrestlers that “work” for WWE actually work for WWE? They’re independent contractors. Of course they’re well paid, but they also receive no health insurance or benefits, and have to book and pay for their own travel and hotels. This comes with the gig, and it’s been that way for ages so everyone knows the deal when they sign up, but that doesn’t make me feel any better about it.
Wrestling attracts workers of all kinds—clowns, repo men, tugboat captains. I have to wonder if they weren’t better off staying at their old jobs when it was all said and done in a lot of cases. Doink the Clown still would have gotten to see the world, but I think the circus takes care of their people a little better.
Here are 11 wrestlers that probably should’ve kept their pre-wrestling careers instead of risking it all to get kicked in the head by Hulk Hogan throughout their 20’s and 30’s.
I.R.S.
Median Accountant Salary - $78,000
Irwin R. Schyster was a tariff enthusiast who really wanted everyone to pay their taxes on time. He would come to the ring and yell at all of the tax cheats in the crowd and warn them that they weren’t going to get away with it.
He’s certainly not everyone’s idea of a good accountant, but I think I’d like having a guy that will remember important dates and stuff like that. If I.R.S. was my tax guy, I feel like he’d show up on April 1st and put a boot up my ass if I hadn’t sent him anything over yet. Boots up the ass hurt, sure, but not as much as an audit.
I feel bad that WrestleMania season and tax time were always in April for I.R.S.’ whole career. He could’ve been a two-sport wonder like Bo Jackson or Deion Sanders if only they’d been spaced out a little bit.
Big Boss Man
Median Salary of Security Guard - $31,000
Hard to say exactly what line of work the Big Boss Man left behind to go fight men on tour for a living. He went from looking like a mall security guard at the beginning of his career to more of a hired bodyguard type at the end there.
All potentially dangerous lines of work, sure, but odds are greater out there on the streets (or in the mall) that no Undertakers are going to hang you from a Hell in a Cell. That only happens in one job, and it’s professional wrestling.
The Undertaker
Median Salary of Funeral Director - $52,000
Speaking of The Undertaker, his legendary run in the federation probably means he doesn’t really belong on this list, but oh well. He definitely eclipsed the traditional undertaker’s salary over the course of his 30-year career. Along the way he also shined a bigger light on his trade than anyone in popular culture before or since.
Regardless of whether he found success in the squared circle, I’m not sure The Undertaker would’ve excelled at the more delicate parts of the undertaking business, namely funeral directing. It’s hard to imagine this behemoth greeting you and your grieving family as you attend the wake of a loved one. Oh, there’s coffee in the back? That’s great. Are you going to hurt me?
Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake
Median Barber Salary - $34,000
Being a barber isn’t that glamorous, especially when you’re real life buddies with Hulk Hogan. Why spend your days at the barbershop, apparently cutting hair with gardening shears, when you could piggyback on some of the most notable feuds of the late ‘80s every time The Hulkster needed a tag team partner?
As we all know, with fame and glamour come inevitable parasailing accidents that almost cost you your career. So, I don’t know. Maybe a professional life spent sweeping up a Borics would’ve been less thrilling, but it assuredly would’ve been a lot less painful.
The Mountie
Median Canadian Mountie Salary - $65,000
The Mountie was always in the outfit, yet hardly ever in Canada. I’ll take it on good faith that he was an actual Mountie and not doing stolen valor.
Enforcing crime in Canada is relatively easy, right? To trade that in for a life of getting worked over by top card talent is puzzling to me. The Mountie must have hated the cold weather, and a prick like him probably loved the excuse to shock people with a cattle prod whenever he felt like it.
Most people would probably prefer a quiet Canadian life of service, but The Mountie wasn’t most people, I suppose. That sick fuck.
Duke “The Dumpster” Droese
Median Garbageman Salary - $27,000
This guy was a garbageman before stepping into the squared circle. It’s honest work, and you get nights off. In wrestling, they just take your garbage can away and hit you over the head with it. And you have to work nights.
Skinner
Median Salary for Bayou Man - N/A
I’m not sure what Skinner’s job necessarily was, so I can’t look up the salary. But I do know he was a man of the Bayou. Gators, knives, chewing tobacco, you get it. There’s just no way this guy had fun running Canadian house show loops and playing locker room politics with Shawn Michaels and Triple H.
Plus, even if he enjoyed the environment, he seemed determined to skin his opponents alive like the gators he hunted, hence the name Skinner. Everyone involved in Skinner’s run is lucky this didn’t turn out worse.
“Birdman” Koko B. Ware
Median Salary For Bird Man - N/A
Similar to being an alligator skinner from the bayou, it’s tough to find an average salary for being a “bird man,” but Koko was one of a kind. Instead of jeopardizing both his health and the well-being of the rare exotic birds he’d bring down to the ring, Koko could’ve probably trained birds or even been a guy that puts on a show at an amusement park or something.
I went to the Desert Museum in Tucson, Arizona once, and they had these bird experts that summoned the birds and made them fly right over the crowd’s head and stuff like that. It was awesome, and I’m sure Koko could’ve gotten into that industry if he’d wanted to.
As I recall, none of the people at the Desert Museum looked like they were tough enough to handle things if someone got out of hand or started heckling one of the birds. Try that shit with Koko around.
The Goon
Median Salary For Pro/Semi-Pro Hockey Player - $125,000
Plenty of former athletes have crossed over into professional wrestling, most often from football or, you know, wrestling, but hockey makes a lot of sense as well. Bloody matches settled with physical prowess and just the right amount of grace, hockey and pro wrestling have many things in common.
The Goon could’ve been the next Roman Reigns or Brock Lesnar, but they made him leave his skates on, and the poor bastard never stood a chance out there.
(By the way, I’m aware that kids have made the word “goon,” into some jerk off thing, but I can’t keep up with that stuff. But just for what it’s worth, this was a hockey player, not a serial self-pleasurer.)
Demolition
Median Salary of S&M Duo - Hard to say
These two sex workers came of age in a more buttoned down era, so they had to moonlight as one of the greatest tag teams of all time. No disrespect to their legacy, as they were a fantastic duo that are still talked about today, but I don’t think beating up The Bushwhackers is what these guys were all about.
Gobbledy Gooker
Median Salary of Huge Turkey - N/A
When they revealed what was in that stupid mystery egg they’d kept hyping up before Survivor Series 1990 and it was just some turkey, it went down as an infamously bad wrestling segment. The Gobbledy Gooker went down to the ring and danced around with interviewer “Mean” Gene Okerlund, and a pre-internet wrestling meme was born.
They sell shirts with the Gooker now and have trotted him out once or twice in an effort to seem in on the joke all these years later. But everyone hated that reveal in the moment, and the Gobbledy Gooker never got the chance to show the WWE Universe what kind of wrestling skills he had. Poor guy should’ve stayed in the egg.