Every ‘Grand Theft Auto’ Game Ranked by How Quickly I Was Able To Kill a Man With My Bare Hands
Let's sort this out
I have a special regard for the Grand Theft Auto franchise. Playing Grand Theft Auto III and causing chaos in the streets of Liberty City for the first time was mind blowing, once-in-a-lifetime moment, showing me how much more was possible in my favorite medium than I’d realized. Suddenly, I knew how people felt who’d seen Star Wars in the theater, or that show ALF during its initial run.
I still hold the series in pretty high regard, and have enjoyed all of the major releases since GTAIII, but the games feel a little different to me when I play them now. I used to think they were funny — a biting satire of modern America. And while I still think they may succeed at that here and there, that’s not what we really like about it, right?
As much as I appreciate the tone and commentary, I would’ve flipped out for these games with or without it. And, other games have done it better.
What I mean is — if you are playing Grand Theft Auto for the comedy, you really should just be playing a Saints Row game.
Similarly, Grand Theft Auto is far from the best driving or shooting or brawling or heist game you can find. Again, those elements are all in the games, and they’re done well to very well. But I think you could take any one of these elements out of them, and the franchise still be wildly popular.
This isn’t a revelation, but these games are popular because they let you do chaos in the streets. That’s all. That’s all I really want to do.
With that in mind, I thought a ranking of how quickly you could end someone’s life in cold blood in the mainline Grand Theft Auto games might be a strangely definitive way to look at them.
Let’s see which GTA games cut the shit and let you get to the goods quickly!
Grand Theft Auto IV (26 minutes, 28 seconds)
I already had Grand Theft Auto IV on my PC. Other than that, I played console versions of all the other games when making this list. Thank fucking god for that.
Before I was able to start the game, I had to log into the Rockstar Social Club — a completely cool and necessary thing that Rockstar has you do to play their games. I didn’t remember my password. I reset my password. I logged into the Rockstar Social Club with my new password, and was informed that I’d used a different email than the one associated with my Steam account. I wept. I reset a second password for the correct email account. After 20 minutes, I was in. No joke, I had to solve four captchas during this process.
I took it all out on the first poor prick I saw on the docks once my ship came into Liberty City. Welcome to America, Nico Bellic. You’re gonna be just fine.
Grand Theft Auto V (19 minutes, 2 seconds)
Easily the most advanced Grand Theft Auto game (except possibly Grand Theft Auto Advance), but I think the campaign might’ve gotten away from what made the earlier games so fun and cathartic. 19 minutes before I can wander around and kick people to death is far too long, in my opinion.
Tutorials on shooting and driving must be completed before full freedom is granted to the player, and there are almost 15 minutes of cinematics to deal with as well — spanning a bloody shootout with cops, a snowy getaway, and Michael discussing his son’s masturbation habits with his therapist. There’s so much to do in this game, but sadly, a lot of the early hours are spent with it holding your hand.
Once I was in the escape-from-police tutorial, I saw my chance to go against the script and quickly hopped out of my car, beating someone to death just before cops could shoot me in the back while yelling “Kobe!”
Grand Theft Auto V is gorgeous, fun, and expansive, but a bit bloated for my taste. Keep reading and check out some of the Bare Handed Murder times I was able to achieve in the other GTA games if you don’t believe me.
Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars (6 minutes, 3 seconds)
The concept of a Nintendo exclusive Grand Theft Auto game is wonderfully bizarre. I don’t know how they came to be or anything, but it’s just strange, right? I mean, how many other DS games say the word “fuck,” besides Chinatown Wars (and Kirby Squeak Squad)?
As odd as it feels, Chinatown Wars is actually a neat little handheld game. You play as a guy flying into Liberty City to give his uncle a sword. The handoff gets botched, and you get shot in the head and left for dead. The ol’ Liberty City welcome. While it’s as bleak as any intro in the series, the Nintendo factor still had me wondering if this might somehow be a more wholesome experience than your typical GTA game by the time it got going.
The opening cinematic concludes with your character being left for dead in a watery grave. I escaped, and soon found myself on dry land looking for revenge and whatnot. I hotwired a car (using the DS touchscreen, honestly so cool), and I didn’t make it two blocks before I saw some foot traffic. The first few people I kicked ran away from me with ease.
“Oh man,” I thought. “Maybe this is some feisty little Nintendo version of Liberty City, where no matter what you do, the victims always get away and live to see another day. They would.”
Then I rolled up on a third person and kicked them to death. No one did anything. People kept walking, a cab drove right by, life just went on. A more wholesome Grand Theft Auto? Forget it Mark, it’s Chinatown Wars.
Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (4 minutes, 45 seconds)
Carl comes home for his mom’s funeral and is town for literal minutes before cops —played by Samuel L. Jackson and Chris Penn (RIP) — are profiling him, threatening him, and throwing him out of a moving car. Sheesh.
The whole rotten welcome made me so mad I fought a guy to death at the train tracks. Then I felt awful about it, which made me feel angry, which made me feel like killing some more. Ah shit, here we go again.
Grand Theft Auto: Vice City Stories (4 minutes, 41 seconds)
Instead of a glitzy tour of Vice City to kick things off, VCS starts with an eccentric Sargeant busting a new recruit’s balls in a non-descript office room. He sends them on an errand, and the underrated second jaunt through Vice City begins.
This presented trouble, as you are first given freedom in a military base, surrounded by armed men. Damn. I didn’t think I’d be able to go toe to toe with any of them.
I left the premises and went looking for a civilian that wouldn’t shoot me. I found one — or so I thought. Turned out to be a cop. Not great. I felt at this point, however, that I was “pot-commited” (a phrase used by poker players and various high school teachers of mine).
So I steered my boss’ motorcycle at the bastard, hit him, and finished the job with my bare hands. This isn’t entirely in the spirit of this list, but I’m on a deadline here, and this one was hard.
Another cop came up to me, and he was pretty pissed off! His dead friend must have owed him some money or something, ‘cause now he was whaling on my ass. It was a mess. I wonder if I should’ve just killed one of the soldiers in the first place? I feel like a savvier player could probably get a better time than me.
Grand Theft Auto: Vice City (4 minutes, 6 seconds)
Vice City took the ambitious technical gauntlet thrown down by Grand Theft Auto III a year prior and applied as much style and vibes as its predecessor had innovation. Many still feel Vice City’s Florida locale is the long-running franchise’s best location, and its confirmed return in the recent Grand Theft Auto VI trailer caused predictable excitement among fans.
Sadly, the game starts with nearly half a dozen cut scenes before you can execute someone under the neon lights. Once I was free to explore, the city was emptier than I remembered it, the 20-year-old game not nearly as populated as modern open world games are.
When I finally saw someone, I delivered a series of fatal side kicks, no one seemed to notice. Life in Vice City just went on. It was eerie.
The upcoming return to the fictional city will bring with it generations worth of processing power, meaning fuller streets, a more vibrant city, and witnesses as far as you can see. Much like the white sport coats and Duran Duran songs featured in VC, it would appear that the high ease-of-murder rate has been left in the past. When you go back to Vice City next year, there are going to be more people than you remembered, and you’re going to have to kill them all.
Grand Theft Auto III (3 minutes, 53 seconds)
Following a jailbreak, one of your prison buddies suggests you two drive to the red light district and hole up with a friend. I drove maybe an eighth of a mile before I spotted the unlucky subject of this entry. I jumped out of the car and started kicking a guy I saw outside of the Boil Burgers on the corner. He went right down, and I just kept on whaling on him.
Eventually, the pool of blood beneath him grew very large — indicating he’d been kicked to death. This being Liberty City, the chaos spread. As I was delivering a series of safety kicks to the carcass, a man and a woman started fighting right next to me. I even caught a few stray blows. They soon stopped, stared at each other, and wandered off, with the woman punching me once as she passed by.
Just an average day in the sick and twisted streets of Anytown, USA.
Grand Theft Auto: Liberty City Stories (3 minutes, 40 seconds)
After a fairly standard GTA opening, I was on the streets, looking to let Liberty City know I was there. I spotted an elderly man and thought I was home free. Oh, but he proved spry!
Soon I was chasing him down the street, wondering if I should cut my losses and go find someone else to pummel. Just then, I spotted an even older man across the road! Woo-hoo! He even yelled “What are you doing, young man?” with his final words. Fucker never had a chance.
Liberty City Stories is a fairly unsurprising but fun GTAIII prequel that will delight completionists and/or the bloodthirsty.
Grand Theft Auto Advance (43 seconds)
This one’s the other Nintendo-exclusive Grand Theft Auto game, done in the style of the franchise’s less popular earlier entries. It starts with a quick chat between dudes Mike and Vinnie, and before you know it, you’re tasked with following a guy to his car. It’s not the most captivating thing I’ve ever seen, but I love how quickly it gets things rolling. There is no meat on this bone, folks.
There were a few pedestrians on the way to that guy’s car, and the short, bloody stroll revealed the surprise of a gaming lifetime: this crude ode to the worst games in the series is actually the best game in the series! Who knew?!
This article helped me remain loyle to my capo