George W. Bush's Top 100 Video Games of All Time

A guest post from the former President of the United States

Hey, Skitchers! 43 here. I’m sick and tired of Obama getting praised every time he fills out an NCAA bracket or makes a mixtape. I want in on that action, but sadly the only thing I’m very opinionated on is video games. That may surprise you, but I love ‘em. Well some of them, at least. There’s plenty I don’t like. You think you’re tired of politics being shoved down your throat? Try being President and then going to unwind at the end of the day and having some woke bullshit thrown at you.

Anyway, I digress. Here’s my personal list of the best 100 games of all time, prepared exclusively for Skitching the Elephant. Subscribe to this fella’s newsletter, will ya? He seems to think it’ll make him happy.

— George W. Bush

100. We Love Katamari

I love these crazy games. I never told anyone this, but this is what I was playing when I almost choked on a pretzel to death. I was rolling around on the ground pretending to be a Katamari when it happened.

99. Metroid

That little girl rolls into a ball. Don’t know why, but it makes me giggle.

98. The House of the Dead 2

I remember one night me and Jeb played this and then later that night he came to sleep in my bed. This was last summer. Great game, but get a hold of yourself, Jeb!

97. Minesweeper

I figured this game out during my first year in office. No one thought I could do it, but I set my mind do it and got it done. One of my more unsung achievements as President.

96. Jeopardy!

I memorized every question on Sega Jeopardy! and used to bet Cheney he couldn’t beat me. He would get so mad! One time he yelled “How the hell did you know Alexander Pushkin was considered Russia’s greatest poet?” and I shot right back, “Are you kiddin’ me? Al’s the best!” Cheney didn’t talk to me for a week after that one.

95. Boogerman

I like that Boogerman. He makes me laugh.

94. Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie

I stayed up all night to beat this game. It’s not incredible, but it’s solid. I think I just like it so much because it’s based on my favorite movie.

93. Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater

I got into this during my second term. Called Tony Hawk in the middle of the night one time to ask him how real all of it was, and he told me to call him back in the morning. I’m just now realizing I forgot to do that.

92. Crash Bandicoot

This sumbitch scares the hell out of me, but he makes me laugh, too.

91. Duck Hunt

Cheney called me for the first time in six years to threaten my personal safety if this game didn’t appear on the list. I know I should stop listening to him eventually, but it’s much easier this way.

90. Six Days in Fallujah

This one right here. This is my shit. Also, it makes me laugh.

89. Bush Shootout

An accurate portrayal of our general strategy towards terrorism during my term. Did you know I stayed up all night playing this one time? Heh heh, Laura was so mad when she got up that morning and I was still on the computer.

88. NBA Jam

I like to unlock Bill and Hillary on here and play as them. Then I let the computer push me around as much as they want.

87. SkiFree

I like that monster down there at the bottom of the hill. It makes me laugh when he eats the fella.

86. Tetris

Unlike Minesweeper, I was never quite able to figure this one out. What’s going on with these pieces? Anyway, I like the music in this one a lot.

85. Twisted Metal

I tried to get so many things from this game to happen in real life while I was president, but I was shut down every step of the way. A total bummer.

84. Metal Gear Solid

I like that Snake fella. I like the way he whispers. I like that a lot. This game is hard as hell.

83. Zoop

Zoop! Heh heh heh

82. The Simpsons: Bart vs the Space Mutants

Game freaked me out, man. Freaked me out bad.

81. Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball

When everything got real complicated around you-know-what, I used to boot this game up and pretend I still owned the Texas Rangers. It was a simpler time. I miss it.

80. Super Star Wars

The Star Wars movies always get me real seasick for some reason, so I was glad I cold finally check these things out. Love that Chewie!

79. Wall Street Kid

Whenever I had to vote on some economy thing I would usually play this before bed and hoped it all made sense when I woke up. Great little game.

78. Bigfoot

Look at the size of that bad boy. What else do I need to say?

77. Blades of Steel

A fantastic game in the sense that you get to pummel people from a lot of different countries without proper provocation.

76. Battlefield 2

I was playing this when Hurricane Katrina happened. I’m really sorry about that, everybody. One of the all time greats!

75. Bad Dudes

I won’t say my presidency was BORING, but I don’t know, I thought it would be different. I thought ninjas would try to come take me. This game is funner than heck, but also paints an unrealistic picture of America’s criminal underworld.

74. Pokémon Red

Never blue, always red. Due to the superstitious nature of my fierce conservatism, I’ve never known the pleasure of catching and training a Magmar 🙁

73. The Adventures of Batman & Robin

A semi-forgotten gem among both Batman games and classic beat ‘em ups. This is a spot-on adaptation of the incredible cartoon. Also, I am a war criminal.

72. Mortal Kombat II

This game had it all: fatalities, blood, combos, a respectable amount of cleavage, and that Baraka fella makes me laugh.

71. Plants vs Zombies

I used to tell Laura I was going to study some documents and then she’d find me on the crapper playing this game. I’d say “What, Laura, can’t I play a game while I’m taking a shit?” But I was almost never actually taking a shit.

70. Wayne Gretzky’s 3D Hockey

Hockey is one of America’s greatest exports, and I always liked this crazy ass version the best for some reason.

69. The Terminator 2

Did you know they made a movie out of this game?? I just found that out the other day.

68. Paperboy

This game reminds me of when I was a little kid growing up in Texas. I used to chuck shit at the paperboy.

67. BioShock

I don’t understand half of the shit that’s going on in the game, but god damn, an underwater city. Looks cool.

66. Super Mario Bros. 2

I pronounce it “may-re-oh.” It’s the only way.

65. Marble Madness

I got really into Marble Madness in 2005 after scoring a copy of the NES version on eBay. I kept trying to make my own levels, but it was never as fun as the game. I hear Trump’s still finding marbles in The White House to this day heh heh heh

64. Minit

This is the first game I ever put 100 hours into. Feels good, man.

63. Wheel of Fortune

You will not beat me in this game. I repeat: You will not beat me in Wheel of Fortune. I don’t give a fuck who you are.

62. Cavemen Games

These Cavemen make me laugh and also I firmly believe that they used to have funny Olympic games where they threw each other around. Aw hell, I’m giggling just writing this.

61. Revolution X

For years I told people I’d met Aerosmith, and then one day I realized I was just thinking about when I played this game at Showbiz Pizza that one time. You can shoot CD’s at people in this game.

60. Super Mario 64

It’s truly remarkable how Nintendo was able to take our favorite series of games and reinvent is so flawlessly on its first try. Also, I pissed myself the first time I played it. Maybe it was the motion, maybe it was the excitement. Hard to say.

59. Grand Theft Auto 3

This was the first game I ever skipped an overseas trip to play. You know, I was President for eight years, and I still don’t know what half of those damn trips and meetings were even about. Busy work, it seemed like to me. Anyway, this game blew my freakin’ mind.

58. The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past

Did you know the guy’s name isn’t Zelda? A lot of people think it is, but ‘Zelda’ is actually the name of the world these games take place in.

57. Final Fantasy 6

What a game. I like that Kefka. He makes me laugh. Wish I could barbecue with him sometime.

56. Super R-Type

You ever wonder why I didn’t screw around with outer space too much during my terms? Because I spent so much time playing these shooters in the ‘90s. Between this and Gradius, I was all spaced out.

55. Battlefield: Bad Company 2

The DLC for this game taught me so much about the Vietnam War. Truly a dark time in American history.

54. Freedom Fighters

Games like this underrated shooter are what caused 9/11. The terrorists hated our Freedom Fighters.

53. A Short Hike

Short my ass! This game took me three weeks to conquer. The talking animals made me laugh, though.

52. Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

Even though I was 54 when it came out, Dad thought this movie might be a little intense for me. I saved up some of my oil money and bought the game though, and he had no idea! It’s a fun little adventure game that will surprise you with how much they put into an NES cart. I will admit this all freely now that my father is dead.

51. PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds

I’m a huge Fortnite guy, and I’ve made some of my best friends of my entire life on there, but PUBG isn’t to be overlooked either. I have so much fucking free time I got good at all these games. The paintings are all bullshit.

50. Def Jam Vendetta

Anyone that knows how much I love hip hop, professional wrestling, and fighting games will not be surprised to find this on here.

49. Diddy Kong Racing

I don’t like all that realistic Gran Tursimo shit. Where’s the monkeys??

48. Mortal Kombat 3

This game is notable because it introduced Cyrax, my favorite Mortal Kombat character. No one ever let me dress like Cyrax for Halloween while I was president, but now that I’m retired, I can dress like Cyrax all I want. It’s fantastic!

47. Nintendogs

Laura said I could get a puppy if I did okay at Nintendogs. Well folks, I did better than okay. I fed them, I watered them, I played with them. And do you know what Laura said to me? She said “POTUS shouldn’t have a puppy, it’s just too much responsibility.” Well why did you make the Nintendogs deal, Laura?! Bullshit.

46. Bloody Roar

You can turn into animals and punch people so hard they puke. Everything I look for in a game.

45. Beavis & Butthead

My favorite TV show of all time turned into a Super Nintendo game? It might not be perfect, but this game has a huge spot in my heart. I always shut it off before the damn GWAR concert at the end though. No way, pal.

44. The Simpsons Hit & Run

If you go back and watch the 2004 State of the Union address, you can tell I’m clearly rushing it. It’s because I was hopelessly addicted to this game and just wanted to keep playing it.

43. Manhunt

Funniest damn game I ever played. Why did Rockstar stop making comedies??

42. Centipede

This game is fine, but really I just like that funny ball that’s in the arcade machine instead of a joystick. Keep your quarter, I just like slapping that ball around!

41. Cliffhanger

No, wait! Forget what I said earlier in the entry for Mighty Morphin Power Rangers! Cliffhanger is my favorite movie.

40. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Just the best shit. You know it’s a funny thing; sometimes I feel like a Leo, but then other days I can be a real Raph.

39. Microsoft Flight Simulator

Using this piece of software I can see what all kinds of different parts of Europe look like! My nephew even showed me how to fly over Texas on there. Very cool.

38. Overcooked!

I had no idea this is what cooking food was like! What a riot.

37. Parappa the Rappa

While I can’t stomach a single thing he stands for, the fact remains: that rapping dog makes me laugh.

36. SEGA Bass Fishing

I remember playing this with my daddy back in the summer of 1957. Well, it wasn’t SEGA Bass Fishing. We went real fishing. But I like ‘em both a lot.

35. Among Us

I got the boys into this during pandemic. We’d always just throw Rumsfield out for the hell of it, heh heh heh

34. Mario Paint

The OG. The reason I took up painting. Cheney put this in the oval office one day and told me to color him something nice, and when I came out the Patriot Act was official. He loved my drawing of Yoshi and said I chose really good colors.

33. The Simpsons

A classic. One time we found it at this steakhouse the family was having dinner at, and the twins thought it’d be funny to grab Homer and Bart and make me play as one of the girls. Wasn’t so funny when I left their asses there!! Heh heh heh

32. Home Improvement: Power Tool Pursuit!

I used to watch the rerun of this show every day at 6:30 hoping to catch the crazy episode this game is based on. No luck. Probably the great failure of my life, if I’m being introspective.

31. Bubble Bobble

I used to call Cheney in the middle of the night from my Secret Service guy’s cell phone and he’d answer the phone all grumpy and I’d just whisper “Bubble bobble. Bubble bobble.” It drove him mad and me and the boys used to laugh our asses off.

30. Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude

heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh

29. Bushido Blade

A lot of people don’t know this, but I briefly studied Bushido in college, before it was made clear that my ‘dojo’ was merely a couple of guys taking advantage of my fascination with Asian culture and charging me 1200 bucks a week to sword fight with wrapping paper tubes. Fool me once!

28. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2

I will take every single one of you down. Every. Single. One. Fucking try me.

27. DuckTales

More games about rich idiots without a care in the world, please. Tried to jump on my cane once like Scrooge does in this game and it almost went right up my butt! Heh heh

26. Dead or Alive 2

I like the mechanics here. Those big, beautiful, bouncing mechanics.

25. Paper Mario

Hey, they squished him! This game was so fun, but I couldn’t really have that great of a time, since I was so worried about Mario’s vital organs. After he popped up in some other games and I realized he was okay, I could enjoy this game for the charming RPG it is.

24. Sonic the Hedgehog 2

I used to play this late at night and then wake up early in the morning so I cold run around the hallways pretending to be Sonic. One time Condoleezza saw me and I just pretended to be sleepwalking. She didn’t believe it at all, maybe because I was in my Sonic pajamas, but what was she going to say? I was the president!

23. Harvest Moon 64

Nothing like a good honest day’s work on a farm to remind me what it would have been like if I had been born a poor.

22. WWF Royal Rumble

This was where the pro wrestling games really started to get good. Great game, great controls, great roster. I pulled my ass trying to do Lex Luger moves on Jeb after we played this one.

21. Namco Museum

This is really just a way to get six classic arcade games onto the list in one swift entry. This is the kind of mind that got me re-elected, folks. Economy.

20. The Last of Us 2

I’m currently teaching myself to play guitar using this wonderful game. It’s tough but I’m making some progress!

19. Capcom’s Gold Medal Challenge ‘92

The game that made me want to get into politics. I really wanted to be in the Olympics, and for some reason I thought they only let the President do it. I’m not sure why I thought that.

18. Wii Sports

A generation-defining gaming experience. Suddenly people were playing games that never would have before. I watched Dick Cheney pick up a 5-7-10 split with the Wiimote up his ass on New Year’s Eve!

17. Red Dead Redemption 2

I remember when this came out I used to go down to the basement every morning all dressed up like a cowboy and play this game until the sun came down.

16. Street Fighter II

I hate what they did to that beast man, Blanka. Just a terrible thing, to make that fella fight like that. This is a great game, no doubt about it, but when my opponent picks Blanka, I turn around and walk away. I will not strike my animal friend.

15. Donkey Kong Country

The Zelda games are mostly way too complicated for me, that’s why I’m a Donkey Kong man. Nothing wrong jumping over things and moving to the right until the end of the level. It’s honest work.

14. Hot Shots Golf 3

The next time someone tells you I didn’t accomplish anything as a President please tell them that I unlocked every character in this game during my tenure.

13. Pong

Like so many others, this was the first game I had at home, and I got completely hooked. Laura woke up one night and found me sprawled out on the ground, playing both paddles. One with my hands, one with my feet. My arms and legs were so evenly matched, it was an incredible battle. Laura said, “My god George, what are you doing?” I told her, “They call it gaming, and I think I’m into it!”

12. The Oregon Trail

Oh man, I used this game to bone up on history after I got elected, and all in all, not bad! I thought dysentery was going to be a much bigger deal. Glad we got that figured out.

11. DJ Hero

This game rules. Also, I was one of the guys in Daft Punk.

10. Ace Combat 04: Shattered Skies

I played this game so much I have full confidence in my abilities to pilot a number of modern jets in real life, including the F-16C Fighting Falcon and the F-117A Nighthawk. No problem.

9. GoldenEye 007

When I was Governor of Texas until 2000, I would not get in a limo or plane unless it had a 64 with this game in there. Would not do it. I missed my father’s birthday one year. But I stood by my convictions, just like I always have.

8. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

Did you know San Andreas isn’t a real place? I spent so much time trying to secretly look at whatever maps and stuff were around and I could never spot it. Now I know why.

7. Left 4 Dead 2

Me, Rove, Rice, and Rummy. Unstoppable.

6. Fortnite

I keep asking them to put me in this son of a bitch and the bastards won’t do it. Oh well, who am I kidding? I’m gonna keep playing no matter what they do. Fortnite is just that good.

5. Deal or No Deal

One of the best of all time. Between the Howie Mandel voice clips and using the Wiimote to point at the briefcases, this is a top five gaming experience for me. Unforgettable.

4. Super Mario World

In a lot of ways, Yoshi was my favorite pet I ever had, you know what I mean?

3. Portal 2

Portal 2’s just fuckin’ great.

2. Mario Kart: Super Circuit

I know this Game Boy Advance entry of the series isn’t the best Mario Kart game, but it sure was the easiest one to sneak into those god awful UN meetings!

1. Mario Superstar Baseball

I am a little fuzzy on the birth of my children, but I will always remember exactly where I was when I found out they were letting Mario play baseball. Truly incredible.

(Photos by the incomparable Parker Johnson, co-founder of Palette Swap, which you should absolutely be following if you aren’t already.)