They Made a Tetris With Hats
Tetris is one of the best and most influential games of all time. In addition to being available on everything from calculators to PlayStation 5s, it remains one of the most recognizable games in the medium's history. It’s also relevant nearly 40 years after its initial release, with recent entries in the series Tetris Effect and Tetris 99 being some of the all-time best in the franchise.
These games take the original's core gameplay and innovate it in a way that makes them feel familiar but fresh. It’s a smart way to continue the legacy of a masterpiece and a strategy that took a while to land on. Because at first, they didn’t know what the fuck to do.
I knew they made Tetris With Words, but until recently I never knew they made Tetris But With Hats. I’ll be damned. If you’re anything like me, you’re going to need a minute to process this. Maybe take a walk or something. Whatever you need.
Tetris had a pretty good stranglehold on the world shortly after its debut, and with great reason. After playing the game for hours, it was easy to see the objects around you as unsolved Tetris levels, something known as “The Tetris effect.” And while a fantastic game bearing that name was released in 2018, the effect itself was almost instantaneous, as evidenced by this television ad, which requires you to look past the unfortunate Twin Towers-as-Tetris pieces imagery1
A sequel to a game this infectious was inevitable, but it doesn’t seem like anyone knew the best way to do that. 1993’s straight-up sequel Tetris 2 felt like half a Dr. Mario game more than it did a continuation of Tetris. The same is true for the following year’s Dr. Mario & Tetris. Hell, Tetris Attack is the best puzzle game on the Super Nintendo, and possibly ever, but I don’t think of that as a Tetris game. It’s like how Frasier is a Cheers spinoff. You don’t even think about it after a few minutes. It’s just Frasier.
If Tetris Attack is the Frasier of puzzle games, I think Hatris might be the Halloween III: Season of the Witch. Not like anything else before or after in the franchise, but some real sickos (like me) think it’s been unfairly overshadowed. It’s actually pretty fun—who cares if you don’t recognize anything in it!?
Before you ask, the hats aren’t in all kinds of funny shapes or anything. Oh sure, some are taller than others, but that’s kind of it. Ball cap, cowboy hat, a Game Boy-exclusive sombrero, but nothing as iconic as the long boy from classic Tetris or anything.
The goal is to stack up five hats of a similar kind and to not let the wrong hats fuck up your stacks before that happens. It’s like Tetris in the sense that your best-laid plans can all go to shit after one misplaced piece, or if the accelerating pace of the game becomes too much to keep up with.
It is unlike Tetris in the sense that there are a bunch of hats.
Honestly, the game isn’t bad at all. I find it much more playable than the very similar Yoshi, which I always wanted to like more than I did. It’s definitely better than the aforementioned Tetris 2. With the exception of the Adventures of Lolo trilogy, it probably has more personality than any other puzzle game of the NES era.
Is it better than Tetris? I sure don’t think so, but this guy from Entertainment Weekly did in 1991:
I’m kind of an idiot, but man this hat stuff just tickles me. Look up any description of this game and try not to laugh. Here’s another one from GameFAQs that cracked me up:
“Remember Tetris? The way those cubes kept coming at you? That was tricky enough, but what if they were half a dozen different hats instead?”
I don’t know, man. That’d be crazy!
It should be pointed out that Hatris’ advertisements sure did their best to make the bizarre and pedestrian task of matching up similar hats seem compelling. This one in particular deserves an ‘A’ for trying to make the hat thing exciting.
This poor child is having no fun at all. And I don’t blame him, he’s got a bit of a situation on his hands. If he somehow survives this avalanche of hats he’s gonna be stuck with the problem of making them all disappear. Good grief!
On its own, this ad is funny and absurd, but I can’t imagine it being inside of a 200-page issue of GamePro and standing out amongst all of the in-your-face advertising and screenshots of games featuring things that are more exciting than hats. On one page you have Earthworm Jim pointing a gun at you, on the next page Sweet Tooth is shooting missiles at cars on the White House lawn, and then you turn the page and see this kid bracing for the light dusting of a half dozen hats.
Tetris has splintered out into many successful modern forms, all innovative but retaining the classic lines-and-shapes-based Tetris gameplay that made the original a legend. From battle royale games to inspired team-ups with other series to meditative experiences, the series wears a lot of hats these days.
I bet it never puts them back in the game again, though.
A Skitching the Elephant shirt is available here! Really should’ve had a hat ready for today’s post, huh? Damn. Coming soon!
Did this ad cause or inspire 9/11? No way to know for sure, but we do know that Osama Bin Laden was a gamer.